Mixed emotions...

The title of this post says it all. I never know what I"m going to be feeling from day to day or even hour to hour and I never know what each day will be like. Many days I go to bed thinking that I hope I do better the next day with whatever is thrown at me. I know I am doing a lot right now and accomplishing a lot, but there are still many days I feel like I've been defeated.

I am really focusing a lot on the depression and healing right now. I go to counseling every week as well as Gabby every other week. I have switched general doctors for various reasons and will have my first appt with him tomorrow. I have a lot that I need to discuss with him like what path we want to take right now. Although my counsler thinks that after four months of counseling and my moods still seem to be consistently unstable, would like to see me start medication, I want to try another route and exhaust all my options before I have to go down the road of medication. I want to talk to him about what things I can change in my diet and about nuritional supplements that are suppose to do the same things as perscriptions medications but without the side effects. Right now I feel like I"m being proactive and really working through this illness, but there are times it's still so overwhelming and I'm scared to death. I'm scared, I won't find the right answer to help me feel better and scared of hitting bottom and not being able to get right back up the next day.

This weekend I was able to do some fun things with the kids. We took them to chucky cheese which both kids absolutely loved! We also made cookies! I hoping that these are the times that they remember.

Right now, I am just feeling so discouraged with Gabby. I'm working so hard on myself because really I have to, and I feel like she needs every ounce of strength I have. I feel like I don't have enough to give her right now. I can't meet her needs right now emotionally. I feel frustrated I don't know how to consistently discipline and guide her to be a child that doesn't always think of herself and who is respectful and does what a girl her age should be doing. Guess all I can do is keep on doing my best each day...