March brings Change!

I am so glad February is over!  It was a really rough month for me.  Many days I was just doing my best to take it one hour at a time and get through the day. We are heading down another path of another possible reason why I struggle with depression and what could be causing it.  Although it won't be for at least a month before we find out if there is any truth on this path, it gives me a little hope to keep fighting and that there may be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long this tunnel seems to be!  I'm hoping that March will be much better and looking forward to a new beginning.  I plan to make some drastic changes that I know will help me focus more on what I have to do.  I am going to rededicate myself to eating healthy and working out three times a week.  I am also going to put my scale away for the month so it doesn't serve as a trigger.  I am also going to stay off facebook for many reasons.  I'm hoping these changes will benefit me as well as the rest of my family. We are also continuing to look for a church that is right for our family.  We have a couple of things we are looking for, but we are praying God leads us where he wants us to call home. I want to find a place that meets all our needs and a place we can grow.

Quite a few things have happened over past month.  We got to take the kids to Disney on Ice.  They both loved it and we had a great time! 

 

We celebrated Valentines day with stuffed animals and special treats.  I am always thankful on this day for Julio and the kids.  I am blessed to have a man that shows me he loves me everyday of the year by all he does for me.  He is and will always be the love of my life.

Gabby has started the recorder in school.  She was super excited and couldn't wait. I am enjoying working and playing with her.  I'm so glad I can pass down the love of music!

We also attended an awards program at her school where she was recognized for straight A's.  I can't tell you how proud of her I was! She got 10 A's on her report card.  I know she worked really really hard.  I was even more happy to see how proud she was of herself and the pure joy she had in her smile.  I"m glad that I could help her attain such an honor.  Truly blessed to have such a smart and beautiful girl as a daughter!

Success!

This week was a much better week and I'm glad to get a relief from the intense feeling I had been feeling.  It seems a variety of things were going against me last week that made it difficult. There are still days, I struggle quite a bit, but I keep plugging along and do what I need to do each day.  Julio or one of the kids always try to manage to make me smile in some way. :)

  This week was the one year anniversary of my mom-mom passing.  We love and miss her dearly, but have so many fond memories and she definitely left a legacy.  Her love for God and for family showed in everything she said and did.  It gives me peace that  she is in Heaven with mom, finally reunited with her family and they are both looking down and still enjoying their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

    This week was a good week of weight loss.  I lost 3.6.  Although it can be so frustrating at times, and definitely hard work and commitment to eat healthy and work-out when you may not feel like it, it's worth it, and has so many benefits in the long run! 
   Although I have lost a total of 55, starting the biggest loser at work I have lost over 13 since beginning of the new year.  That's something I can be proud of!

Facing my "Reality"

     I apologize if anybody is actually reading this that the last couple of posts have been all about me and all negative. Right now, my focus is on me because if I don't find a way to function, nothing else will matter.  The depression has really kicked in hard lately.  This is a place I"m going to get my thoughts out because frankly I want to get them out of my head and to actually say them to anybody, would just freak them out.  Seems my frustration and anger toward feeling like this and trying for so many years every avenue I could for help and to no avail has made me lose the hope I had and made me realize I have to accept what my reality is right now.  My honest feelings are that I don't want to live like this, but suicide is not an option.  I would not do that to my kids.  So I'm left with  trying to find some way to keep getting through each day and doing what I need to do...from working to being a wife and mother when feeling like this one more minute is the last thing you want to do.
      At this point, I am trying to close the door. I am coming to the reality that I am doing this alone.   I've been standing at the threshold, trying to get people's attention that I need help, standing there wishing people would stop the busyness of their life for a second to understand the hell I"m in and just standing there holding on to hope that one of these days someone....my reality is I"m pretty much a lone.  Again, I thank God for my kids and Julio...they are what truly keeps me holding on.  The truth is people may care, but only to the point that you are affecting them or being an inconvenience to them. I don't want advice (I've tried it all) I need need people to walk through this with me. I hurt so deeply that I know my dad loves me, but can't say or show me.  It hurts that our so called family only gets together when we have to. I wonder all the time, what would people think or do if I did die......maybe they do care and love me...but stepping back, there is no proof and the evidence tells me I"m alone.
.     After 17 years, I have heard so many "solutions" from people on how to overcome this. I can honestly say that I have tried with all the effort I have from trying to "depend on God" to being the best patient a therapist could have. (her words, not mine) I find myself constantly saying what am I missing, what am I not doing, why isn't this working for me...etc...as of right now this is my reality what I believe whether it's right or wrong it's where I am. 
     I don't know where I am with God.  I"m sure I won't give up on him because my faith is at the core of who I am...but I wonder why I can't have the peace, comfort etc...maybe I'm stupid, but I really don't get how you "depend on God", "let go and let God", "completely trust him"...What does that mean...what does it look like.
    After two years with my therapist I am starting to believe the hope I held onto that there was some hidden answer was never there.  Just thinking "positive" thoughts seems like brainwashing...ignore your feelings and tell yourself things you don't believe or feel. 
   From here, I am still trying to focus on continuing to lose weight and will continue to call out to God to help me.  I  can only pray he will continue to give me the strength to keep going day after day.