Holiday Season!

We are in one of our favorite parts of the year.  Lots of things to do and family memories!  October is one the kids favorite months with all the fall activities.  One of the things we always do is the Fantasy Trail every year.  It is a nature trail filled with their favorite characters from books and movies that just happen to also give out candy.  This year they decided to go with the Power Rangers theme.  We went trick or treating once again with good friends of ours and one of Gabby's friends she has known since preschool.  They kids love to pick their pumpkins and decorate them.  This year Gabby's pumpkin was a cat and Tyler's was dressed up as Darth Vader!

Tyler for the second year had a special project to do for Thanksgiving.  They had to disguise a Turkey!  Last year Daddy and him made an incredible Spider-man Turkey.  This year he wanted Batman.  Thanks to the creativity of daddy- they worked as a team to make it happen!

 

This is a big year for Gabby!  She turned 10 on November 13th.  Hard to believe that my oldest is now 10!  Yes, as everybody says, seems like it was just yesterday we were getting her room ready and bringing her home from the hospital after a rough labor and delivery!  She is a very smart and special girl.  Couldn't be more proud! She decided to have another Jazzercise Birthday party.  It was a night-time disco ball Costume party.  As always her and all her friends had a blast dancing to her favorite songs and playing her favorite games. 

Tyler went on his first field trip with his preschool to the pumpkin patch on a real school bus!  He had a blast and was so happy that daddy got to go with him!

Can't believe that Gabby is in Fourth Grade!  Mommy have started this year giving her more Independence especially with her homework and she is doing great!  She was honored at an assembly with two awards for Perfect Attendance and Honor Roll.  When we got her report card, we were so happy to see Straight A's in all your subjects and related art classes.  Smart Girl! Hope the year continues to go as well as it has been and she can continue to be as successful as she can be.

On Nov 23rd, Middletown had the Victorian Stroll.  As usual Gabby and jazzercise participated in the parade and rocked it out.  My girl has rhythm and I love watching her dance!


I am slowly getting used to my new job placement and getting to know all the kids.  There has been several rough days, but I get up and refocus.  I know I need to focus on God, providing for my family, and doing what I need to do for my own family.  Part of that is to continue to eat healthy and exercise so I can continue to be healthier to be a better mom and wife. 




This Thanksgiving we spent it with our neighbors Katelynn and Ryan Scott who have been such a blessing in our lives! Our friendship means the world to me and excited to see how it grows in the coming year!

We are starting to get ready for the Christmas season and enjoying it as a family.  It's always a nice season with time off from work, kids off from school, and time for us to relax and just enjoy time together.

Great Start!

So happy to report we are all off to a great start to the new school year! Many positive changes are happening and I couldn't be happier.

 I am at a new school this year.  The change has been much needed and a pleasant one.  I am loving having my own room and building a rapport with a new group of kids.  The staff and principal are very nice and I enjoy working with them.  I think this is going to be a great year! 

 

 

 The kids new favorite thing is participating in the Lowe's Build and Grow program.  They love doing it with pop-pop.  Right after we went to see the Planes movie, they were able to build their favorite plane from the movie.  I have a feeling we will be going to more in the future!

 Both kids were super excited to start a new school year and in a new room.  Gabby started Fourth grade and Tyler started his last year of preschool.  Gabby loves her teacher and is already off to an awesome start!  She has been picked with three other kids to be a part of an advanced group where they will go to for part of the day.  I'm very happy that they see Gabby's potential and want to challenge her while allowing her to grow.  She seems very encouraged already!  At home, we are working hard on learning/reviewing her multiplication tables.
 In fourth grade she has had the opportunity to join the band.   She is  starting the flute in a few weeks! There is also a chorus that will be starting which is right up her alley!  She came home the other day after music class and started singing every word to the Star Spangled Banner!  There are days she just amazes me!

Tyler is doing well in preschool as well.  He is growing so fast!  He can wrote his name and were slowly working on him tying his shoes.  He is still a mama's boy and tends to be my cuddlier.  I love his hugs and kisses everyday before I go to work. 

I have changed a lot in my life as well.  There has been a lot of positive results.  I am eating healthy and paying close attention to portion control.  I am also exercising 3 times a week. I have lost 12 pounds this past month. Today, I have started to train for a possible 5 K in November.  Gabby may be joining a running club at school where their goal is a 5 K.  I thought it would be cool to try and do it with her and support her.  I found an app that is called couch potato to 5 K! I know this won't be easy, but I"m going to give it my best shot! In any case, the added exercise will help with my goals of changing my lifestyle.
Looking forward to what is in store down the road for all of us.  We are entering one my favorite times of the year and all the fun activities we do...definitely will have more to post next month!

New School Year + New Beginning= Changes!

It has been about 4 months since my last post.  I was glad for the school year to end and summer to arrive!  I had a great summer and of course as expected went by way too fast! I was able to have some time to myself, time with the kids and things for us to do as a family.  I took day trips by myself and got to take and do a lot of stuff with the kids. 

In June, as a family we got to go to the Sight and Sound Theatre for the first time.  We took Julio and my dad for Father's day.  It was such an amazing experience.  Both kids enjoyed it and we can't wait to go back again...hopefully to see Jonah when it is playing.

July, we kicked summer off running!  Gabby was able to have some new experiences like having swim lessons and learning to sew.  She made a dress and a shirt/shorts outfit with Ms. Kim.  We are grateful to have Ms. Kim for Gabby as a positive role model and mentor in her life. 

Tyler also had an exciting summer learning to ride his new "big boy" bike and writing his name.  He is super excited to be going into his last year of preschool!


 The highlight of July is always the Delaware State Fair.  It's something we all look forward to.  We love the pig races, circus and the rides!

The rest of the month we took day trips to the Brandywine zoo for an Exotic Bird Presentation, the Cowboy monkey rodeo at the BlueRocks and getting to ride the go-carts for the first time at Rehobeth.  July is our favorite month by far!

Two of my favorite things this summer was that I got a new car and a new kitten.  Both orange!  The car is a 2013 Dodge Dart!  I love it! 

Our kitten, we named Simba since her sister is Nala.  Both kids came up with the name and agreed, so Simba it was!  We are having fun loving and playing with her.  She is a great addition to our family!

August is the month that always goes by so fast.  Although it was a great summer, I am anxious for a new school year and a new beginning which is much needed!  I am at a new school this year full-time with my own classroom. I'm hoping it will be a good change and a chance at a new beginning.

I am still dealing with depression and some days the loneliness is unbearable.  Unfortunately if I"m being honest I can say I feel this way because I have lost hope in people and struggling with where God is in all this. This is a time in my life, where I feel really alone and in some aspects I really am.  I'm hoping I can work through this even if it is all by myself. 

 I"m also excited about getting back to my good habits of healthy eating and exercise and reaching my goals I have set for myself.  I definitely will be blogging more on my progress and all the changes I will be making. I feel it really is time to focus on myself and start the journey of loving myself again...because in the end, I am all I really have.

 

April

The end of March and the beginning of April has been eventful.  Spring Break was so enjoyable!  I was able to spend some great family quality time with Julio and the kids as well as time to myself.  It was nice to have a break and get some extra rest. We started the break celebrating Easter.  This year for the first time we took the kids on the Easter Bunny Express at the Wilmington Railroad.  It was a nice family day.  Tyler loved riding on the train and both kids enjoyed seeing the Easter Bunny and getting a huge chocolate Bunny Treat!

 

The kids were excited to get up Easter morning to see what the Easter Bunny had brought them.  We started the morning reading the Resurrection Story of Jesus before coming downstairs.  The kids loved their laloopsy and spiderman baskets with special toys and treats! I believe their favorite was the bubbles which they often just blow in the house!

Another highlight of Easter Morning was being able to dress up in their special clothes.  Tyler had a special outfit and Gabby had a dress that a friend had made just for her.  They thought they were a real prince and princess!

The first weekend in April we celebrated Tyler's Birthday.  He would be turning 4 on April 8th.  Hard to realize my baby is growing up!  He is definitely a joy.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something or say something that makes me smile or chuckle.  He's truly a blessing! 
It is a tradition that we do something special with each of them for their birthday so they get individualized mommy/daddy time.  Tyler's wish was Chucky Cheese while Gabby spent special time with one of her good friends. We ALL actually had a blast.  We had so much fun playing the games with him and I sat back and just smiled watching Julio and him playing the boy" games.  It was nice to have that time together.  Definitely another memory to remember down the road as he grows up. 

On his birthday,he woke up and asked me right away, My birthday is TODAY?  Im four TODAY?  :) He  took Birthday ice cream cups to share with his friends and teachers.  We got him a special balloon and sash to wear to make him feel extra special.  He had a lot of fun and couldn't wait to get home and get to his presents! 
His birthday ended up being a power ranger birthday.  He got some of his favorites and a real power ranger sword that even lights up!

We ended the night with a cake that Gabby help me make.  He loved blowing out the candles that spelled his name. The next day he was little sad when he woke up and stated...it's not my birthday anymore...Guess all good things have to come to an end!

If you have read previous posts, you know that I have gone through another rough time the past couple of months.  It's been really difficult.  There were days it was very hard to function and do everything I have to do from getting through a day of work and coming home and handling everything that needs to be done at home.  I went to the doctor right before Spring break and doctor recommended two different medications.  Although I didn't have much hope, since they haven't provided much relief in the past, after 3 weeks I have started to feel much better. I just hope it continues.  Although I hate the idea of medication, I will do whatever I can so I can enjoy all the blessings God has put in my life.  Now I'm hoping to put back in my healthy habits like working out 3 times a week that I was doing before my setback.  Either way, Summer is right around the corner which is something to look forward to!

 

Julio and I are excited to be looking forward to celebrating our 11th Anniversary the end of this month.  There is not a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for him.  I love him so much and it will be wonderful to take our annual trip to the Poconos and go away for a night to celebrate our love and focus on just us!

 

 

 

March brings Change!

I am so glad February is over!  It was a really rough month for me.  Many days I was just doing my best to take it one hour at a time and get through the day. We are heading down another path of another possible reason why I struggle with depression and what could be causing it.  Although it won't be for at least a month before we find out if there is any truth on this path, it gives me a little hope to keep fighting and that there may be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long this tunnel seems to be!  I'm hoping that March will be much better and looking forward to a new beginning.  I plan to make some drastic changes that I know will help me focus more on what I have to do.  I am going to rededicate myself to eating healthy and working out three times a week.  I am also going to put my scale away for the month so it doesn't serve as a trigger.  I am also going to stay off facebook for many reasons.  I'm hoping these changes will benefit me as well as the rest of my family. We are also continuing to look for a church that is right for our family.  We have a couple of things we are looking for, but we are praying God leads us where he wants us to call home. I want to find a place that meets all our needs and a place we can grow.

Quite a few things have happened over past month.  We got to take the kids to Disney on Ice.  They both loved it and we had a great time! 

 

We celebrated Valentines day with stuffed animals and special treats.  I am always thankful on this day for Julio and the kids.  I am blessed to have a man that shows me he loves me everyday of the year by all he does for me.  He is and will always be the love of my life.

Gabby has started the recorder in school.  She was super excited and couldn't wait. I am enjoying working and playing with her.  I'm so glad I can pass down the love of music!

We also attended an awards program at her school where she was recognized for straight A's.  I can't tell you how proud of her I was! She got 10 A's on her report card.  I know she worked really really hard.  I was even more happy to see how proud she was of herself and the pure joy she had in her smile.  I"m glad that I could help her attain such an honor.  Truly blessed to have such a smart and beautiful girl as a daughter!

Success!

This week was a much better week and I'm glad to get a relief from the intense feeling I had been feeling.  It seems a variety of things were going against me last week that made it difficult. There are still days, I struggle quite a bit, but I keep plugging along and do what I need to do each day.  Julio or one of the kids always try to manage to make me smile in some way. :)

  This week was the one year anniversary of my mom-mom passing.  We love and miss her dearly, but have so many fond memories and she definitely left a legacy.  Her love for God and for family showed in everything she said and did.  It gives me peace that  she is in Heaven with mom, finally reunited with her family and they are both looking down and still enjoying their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

    This week was a good week of weight loss.  I lost 3.6.  Although it can be so frustrating at times, and definitely hard work and commitment to eat healthy and work-out when you may not feel like it, it's worth it, and has so many benefits in the long run! 
   Although I have lost a total of 55, starting the biggest loser at work I have lost over 13 since beginning of the new year.  That's something I can be proud of!

Facing my "Reality"

     I apologize if anybody is actually reading this that the last couple of posts have been all about me and all negative. Right now, my focus is on me because if I don't find a way to function, nothing else will matter.  The depression has really kicked in hard lately.  This is a place I"m going to get my thoughts out because frankly I want to get them out of my head and to actually say them to anybody, would just freak them out.  Seems my frustration and anger toward feeling like this and trying for so many years every avenue I could for help and to no avail has made me lose the hope I had and made me realize I have to accept what my reality is right now.  My honest feelings are that I don't want to live like this, but suicide is not an option.  I would not do that to my kids.  So I'm left with  trying to find some way to keep getting through each day and doing what I need to do...from working to being a wife and mother when feeling like this one more minute is the last thing you want to do.
      At this point, I am trying to close the door. I am coming to the reality that I am doing this alone.   I've been standing at the threshold, trying to get people's attention that I need help, standing there wishing people would stop the busyness of their life for a second to understand the hell I"m in and just standing there holding on to hope that one of these days someone....my reality is I"m pretty much a lone.  Again, I thank God for my kids and Julio...they are what truly keeps me holding on.  The truth is people may care, but only to the point that you are affecting them or being an inconvenience to them. I don't want advice (I've tried it all) I need need people to walk through this with me. I hurt so deeply that I know my dad loves me, but can't say or show me.  It hurts that our so called family only gets together when we have to. I wonder all the time, what would people think or do if I did die......maybe they do care and love me...but stepping back, there is no proof and the evidence tells me I"m alone.
.     After 17 years, I have heard so many "solutions" from people on how to overcome this. I can honestly say that I have tried with all the effort I have from trying to "depend on God" to being the best patient a therapist could have. (her words, not mine) I find myself constantly saying what am I missing, what am I not doing, why isn't this working for me...etc...as of right now this is my reality what I believe whether it's right or wrong it's where I am. 
     I don't know where I am with God.  I"m sure I won't give up on him because my faith is at the core of who I am...but I wonder why I can't have the peace, comfort etc...maybe I'm stupid, but I really don't get how you "depend on God", "let go and let God", "completely trust him"...What does that mean...what does it look like.
    After two years with my therapist I am starting to believe the hope I held onto that there was some hidden answer was never there.  Just thinking "positive" thoughts seems like brainwashing...ignore your feelings and tell yourself things you don't believe or feel. 
   From here, I am still trying to focus on continuing to lose weight and will continue to call out to God to help me.  I  can only pray he will continue to give me the strength to keep going day after day.

Roller-coaster ride...2nd half :(

     Unfortunately after a positive week, I should have known what was over the hill I had been climbing.  I am now back at the bottom.  I realized this has been 17 years I have been falling and picking myself up.  How much longer can I do this?  What if there is a time, I can't find the strength to get up again?  I seem to be getting more and more frustrating with each time. I'm getting so tired.  Maybe it's hard realizing each time the hope I'm holding onto, that this time I won't plummet down again is not going to happen...it's inevitable.
  I think it makes it harder because I'm a Christian.  I struggle knowing these feelings are real and as a Christian what I am told I"m suppose to do and I know I should and be  able to attain.  I know I'm suppose to rely on God completely...that he will fill all my needs...etc...guess I don't get exactly how to do that.... literally...I try....I know the things I"m told... that I can't do anything on my own and I can do anything with him...if anything it just frustrates me more...
     It makes it harder that I am fighting this battle by myself.  I do not have close friends or family to rely on for support or even a church family.  After switching churches in Aug, it is a challenge to feel like part of a new church.  I struggle that I know as Christians we are suppose to focus on others and the churches job is mainly for those that are unsaved, but I'm so hurt that sometimes fellow Christians are the ones hurting and need support.   I'm lonely, overwhelmed, lost, confused and frustrated.  I'm thankful for my two precious children and husband because I think I really would not be able to keep doing this day after day if it wasn't for them. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

     This has has been a good but emotional week.  My birthdays are always a dreaded time because my birthdays as a kid were always special.  Without my mom, and as a adult I have really struggled with them. It is usually like just  another day which can be really depressing.  Over the past years, I have lost "friends" (due to my depression) and have lost family members through death. As a result of all of us getting older and getting busier in our own lives, I still can not come to terms about wanting to be closer with my family.  I have a wonderful husband and precious kids.  I am so thankful for my own family that is a safe haven and blessing to me.  I still struggle a lot with loneliness and yearn to have those few friends I can really be closer to as well.
     This year my birthday was relaxing and actually emotional. It started with my jazzercise girls getting together with me the night before to celebrate.  Just the fact that so many of them took time out of their schedule to come, really touched me.    I got to spend the next  day with Julio, going out to breakfast and watching a movie.  It was nice to have that time with him and enjoy just the two of us.  I was touched to get a few cards, and encouraging texts and notes from family and friends that let me know they cared and I was valued.  I received a card that I will always treasure from my dad that really touched my heart.  All this made me realize how many people I have that are apart of my support system and even when the loneliness/depression gets the best of me this time, there are people out there that truly care about me.  
     This weekend the celebration will end with Julio and I going out on a Birthday date alone to the melting pot.  I am so excited!  It will be so nice to enjoy a nice romantic dinner together.  This weekend is turning out to be a great two days of resting and spending quality family time.  My favorite kind of weekends!
     This week also brought about some expected challenges as I continued my journey of getting healthier.  I am very proud of how I handled them and the choices I made. Even though I can "splurge" once in a while, I can be proud of these successes and it shows how these changes are not temporary but permanent.  They are going to be a part of my life from now on.  I was able to eat foods that would be triggers and able to eat them in portion or able to go out to eat and make good choices.  For me, these are things I can celebrate as ways I am learning and growing.
    

Physical and Mental Positive Change!

     The last couple weeks have been going well.  I'm sticking to eating healthier and keeping my routine of working out three times a week. This is something that will become more and more of a habit and is a lifestyle change.  Since my highest weight, I have lost 50 pounds. There was a time I was down even further.    That gives me something to always remember and how far I have come.  I have had set backs the last half of 2012 which did not help me to continue to move forward.  With the beginning of 2013, I am determined and committed.  This is not just a diet or a temporary thing...it is a permanent change. A change that is for me and for my family.  I will make it to my goal no matter how long it takes. I am not going to give up in the months ahead when others around me lose their stamina.  This is something I will be successful at.  Deep down, there is a person who used to not that anything stop her from accomplishing what she set out to do. I am in the process of finding that person again after years of believing the person was gone. With God's strength that only he can give, I know I can do what looks like the impossible.  He makes the impossible possible!
     Last week I lost 6 which of course I was very happy about.  Although I know as the weeks go on, I will average between 1-2 pounds, this week with weight loss exactly around that, I was a little disappointed.  I didn't expect it to slow down already!  I had worked very hard but I can stop and give myself a pat on the back when I was able to continue to be successful and choose to say no donuts, candy, and other stuff that was being put right in front of my face or offered to me.  I can also be proud of myself I pushed myself to work out when I would have rather just gone home and collapsed on the couch.  Those are little success I can be proud about because it's these little steps of good choices that will continue to help me reach my goal. 
  

What am I feeling?

The year started off well with a few days to unwind from Christmas festivities and prepare to go back to work.  In a way, I was looking forward to it so I could get back on a schedule, my routines and get started on the goals I have that I am continuing or starting.
 My main focus is to refocus on losing the rest of my weight after the last two months where I let stress and busyness keep me from what I should have been doing.  This also included getting back consistently to jazzercise every week.  I can say that week one was a success!  I am already starting to feel better and lost 6 pounds!  I definitely want to keep my momentum and my focus and continue throughout this next year and accomplish something that I know I can, but only through God's help.  Jazzercise and the people there have been such a blessing.  They motivate me and are a support system.
  Eating right and exercising helps fight my depression, but there are still a lot of triggers and I still am struggling with it a lot.  I get so frustrated because I'm trying so hard and have done and am doing everything I can to help myself and to get better.  I hear from people and even voices in my head of things I've read or heard, well you should be doing this, or do this...only to end up more frustrated.  I have been struggling with this ever since a teenager and have been down the road of medication, vitamins, various counselors (finally found a good one two years ago after years and years of ones who did not know what they were doing!) and doing what I know as a Christian I should be doing by trying to rely on God through it all.  It is so hard to try to change everything that you have learned and how you were raised and at the same time, try and be a "good" mother.  I do not want either of my children, but really worry about Gabby, going through any of what I am going through because of something I didn't show her,teach or  or a need I didn't meet. (yes, here's that voice, I shouldn't worry, I am a good mother, and the needs I can't meet, God will) I am overwhelmed emotionally trying to raise an emotionally healthy, well- behave child who I don't want to be nothing like me.( or at least the dysfunctional parts!) Seems no matter how hard I try and everything I try to do, it's just not enough for me or for Gabby.  I get tired physically and mentally of fighting this, day after day after day, I just get so tired and frustrated (need of much stronger words that those) and want to give up.  Usually I give myself a kick and find enough strength and God helps me to keep me putting one foot in front of the other...I thank God for Gabby and Tyler...because when Satan really attacks me and I'm at my lowest...they are the motivation and strength that keeps me going here on earth. 
  This week I can feel God with me and working.  He has answered prayers and so far it's been a good week.  I know I should stay positive, but the reality is, I know the next downhill is coming...because after years and years it always has.  For now, I will try and prepare myself and strive to deal with it better each time than the last.  I thank God for his faithfulness, his love, his patience and his forgiveness...all which I don't deserve.  I thank him I have such a wonderful family with a great husband and 2 precious children who drive me crazy, but seem to bring a chuckle or smile to me at just the right time.  I want to continue to work on myself so I can be the best wife and mother I can be, because they definitely deserve that...in the end I can only hope that the love I do show them, and my intentions are enough.