Mixed emotions...

The title of this post says it all. I never know what I"m going to be feeling from day to day or even hour to hour and I never know what each day will be like. Many days I go to bed thinking that I hope I do better the next day with whatever is thrown at me. I know I am doing a lot right now and accomplishing a lot, but there are still many days I feel like I've been defeated.

I am really focusing a lot on the depression and healing right now. I go to counseling every week as well as Gabby every other week. I have switched general doctors for various reasons and will have my first appt with him tomorrow. I have a lot that I need to discuss with him like what path we want to take right now. Although my counsler thinks that after four months of counseling and my moods still seem to be consistently unstable, would like to see me start medication, I want to try another route and exhaust all my options before I have to go down the road of medication. I want to talk to him about what things I can change in my diet and about nuritional supplements that are suppose to do the same things as perscriptions medications but without the side effects. Right now I feel like I"m being proactive and really working through this illness, but there are times it's still so overwhelming and I'm scared to death. I'm scared, I won't find the right answer to help me feel better and scared of hitting bottom and not being able to get right back up the next day.

This weekend I was able to do some fun things with the kids. We took them to chucky cheese which both kids absolutely loved! We also made cookies! I hoping that these are the times that they remember.

Right now, I am just feeling so discouraged with Gabby. I'm working so hard on myself because really I have to, and I feel like she needs every ounce of strength I have. I feel like I don't have enough to give her right now. I can't meet her needs right now emotionally. I feel frustrated I don't know how to consistently discipline and guide her to be a child that doesn't always think of herself and who is respectful and does what a girl her age should be doing. Guess all I can do is keep on doing my best each day...

Weary Wings

The title of the new wall paper for this blog is weary wings, which I thought was so appropriate. Things have been really rough with me. I go from being really down to having two good days to going right back down. To say it is frustrating is putting it mildly. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel the way I do on my bad days and not have anyone that understands what you are going through. I still struggle alot with being alone and dealing with the hurt I have felt the past year from people who have deserted me or stepped back for various reasons. I"m doing the best I can. I take everything I have in me, to pick myself up and try again the next day but each time seems to be a little harder, and I'm still scared to death of when and if I have an episode where I no longer have a sense of reality and danger of hurting myself. It's the fear, of not getting hold of someone reliable at that time, that scares me the most. I'm just hoping that will never happen. I am still seeing the counselor once a week and in the process of changing my general doctor to one that is closer and you I have gotten recommendations that he is more knowledgeable and will help me at more. I bought a book about and plan on talking to the doctor about what things I can change in my diet or other factors I can change before I have to go to my last resort of being put on medicine. I just feel there is so much that can be looked at and tried as far as the chemical/hormonal balances that may make a difference. The hardest part is getting people to understand that although I have a little control over what I can do to manage this depression, this is something that your body controls for you. I continue to try and make the best choices I can with my diet and try to exercise at least 3 times a week. I'm doing as much as I can on my good days to try and make my bad days less consistent. I am so blessed to have both my children. There isn't a day that goes by that one of them doesn't come up to show their love for me and I can't help but stand back and smile when I look at them.







I got some great pictures today as you can see of the kids...pure sweetness!



















Today I took both kids to Girl Scout Day at the zoo. They both had a blast. Gabby was so intent about finishing an alphabet scavenger hunt they gave them to do. She is such a special girl. I"m glad I was able to take both of them out for a day to have fun. I hoping that I can take Gabby tomorrow for a girl's pedicure! I really do enjoy spending time with her one-on-one...seems like she is like me in so many ways....






Julio and I continue to go to the love and logic parenting classes. I am really enjoying them and learning so much! Even though are only revising what we already do, it's reminding us to continue to be consistent and tweak our perspective on parenting. It's definitely been a positive thing for all of us.

Julio and I are also going to start working through the Dave Ramsey financial workbook to try to get on a budget and get some financial goals we have accomplished. It's going to be a little difficult at first to find a budget that works and for us to work together in this area, but I know it will all pay off.

There are a lot of changes that are happening in our household...individually and as a family. We're hoping that all these baby steps will give us the progress that we need to start to accomplish the many goals we want for our family.

Same Journey-Different path

I have been very frustrated after feeling so good, to fall down once again. So frustrated that I don't have control over it and do not know how I will feel day to day.
It was a little comforting to meet with my counseler today and explain what I have been feeling. It is comforting that she understands what I am talking about but wants to helps me try to deal with things differently since we live in a world that is nothing like it should be.
We talked about trying meds again since I have changed general doctors that she has recommended. She really does think that it is chemical. Although I will do whatever I need to do and try whatever I need to, to get better, I am absolutely terrified right now. I'm scared that with not a lot of support system, what will happen. I'm scared everyday, pretty much fighting this by myself (and around people who do not believe it is an illiness, or scared of it)and trying at the same time to keep it just enough together that I can do what I need to do everyday. I really want to find the answers for relief and that this won't be a journey I do not have to continue to be on.
Gabby also is seeing the counsler too. I'm hoping she can get the help that I can't give her. I feel so much guilt that some of the things that she is having trouble with is because of me. I am trying so hard with her. I know most days I don't meet her needs, and there are some days, my best is not anywhere close to what it needs to be. All I can do is do my best and pray God will do the rest. I pray she will get this help early and that she never has to go through what I am going through and that she will have joy each day God gives her.

Grieving.....being brutally honest

I don't even know where to start...all I know is my heart is hurting and I am literally grieving after realizing the last couple of years how the world is. I've been fighting against trying to face reality. Something that would ease the pain and loneliness. I hit bottom last year and was suicidal. Everyone in my life stepped back or turned away for various reasons ranging from didn't know what to say (which I think is absolute bullcrap....how hard is it to say "I don't really know what to say, but I'm here if you need me and then actually mean it!) to they didn't need more drama or negativity in their life. People (even family) are too busy to really invest time and care. I can't tell you how much this has hurt me. I continue to fight and struggle the illness of depression alone. It hurts so bad that people (even Christians- do not want to get involved. Do not want to step out...do not want to invest their time and effort into someone else's problems, even when they are crying out for help. I honestly know why people commit suicide....and no one is to blame except other people when the person has cried out or tried to get help.) I honestly, only have my husband...no one else. How can I not decide to give up on humanity and just depend on myself to keep from being hurt over and over again? I talk about killing myself...I won't....just because my kids and husband...that's the only reason. I don't understand how people are because I have stood where they are and wanted so much more in relationships and willing to put the effort, time and commitment into it. I only expect what I would give....the last two years I just happen to have changed places and so hurt by the responses I have gotten. Why is what I think should be the norm for people and relationships now considered too high expectations?

Feeling Positive!

Boy is that a different post title than I'm used to having! I am really feeling good. I contribute it to all the positive things I am doing for myself and for my family right now. I am being successful at losing weight (55 pounds so far!) and I am very faithful to go to jazzercise classes 2-3 times a week. Those in itself as given me an opportunity to have some time to myself and not only does it help me lose weight, but it has also given me a sense of accomplishment and has helped lower my stress level.

Julio and I are also taken a Love and Logic parenting class. It is really interesting and we are excited about both coming together and learning new techniques. We are also going to be taken a financial course through the church in the next couple of months. Again, this is something that will benefit us greatly to have a budget and plan put in place.

I"m excited about all the positive changes that are happening in myself and in our family right now. For the first time in a long time, I have felt a sense of joy from life and what I am accomplishing and making happen. It's such a great feeling seeing changes in my family and knowing one reason is because of the changes I"m making in myself first.

Great Week!

After a really hard and rough start to the week, everything turned around and everyone had a great week. Gabby is doing much better in school the past three weeks. Really hope it continues! I am so proud of her. She is such a special girl. She seems to be feeling better too. She has been so appreciative and caring this week. Many a times, she has come up to me out of nowhere and told me she loves me and that I am a good mommy. She is my ray of sunshine during my dark days. I am so glad I have both of them to keep me laughing and smiling when I least expect to! Things have been rough for all of us at times, but it seems we have pulled together during those times, and we all make it through....and the best part is that in the end we still have each other.

Holding on to each other...

The last couple days have been really rough for all of us. I"m trying to handle what I am going through without it affecting the family which of course is an impossible task it seems. Gabby and I went to the counseler yesterday and I was relieved for her to tell me she definitely does not see any ADHD issues. She is amazed how intellectually smart she is. She did start to see some of the things I was talking about and was concerned about with her. She says that she is kind of showing symptoms of a child that is depressed. She asked me what I thought and I told her, i think as a result of her having my personality and what she has learned and seen the last couple of years, she is feeling and thinking so many things because she is so smart, but doesn't know how to express or handle them for her age. She agreed with me. She is going to start seeing her in her own sessions. I hope this is a good thing for her. Hopefully she can get the help that I can't give her right now.

As far as me, it seems I have let the anger and hurt I feel from the world trigger me back into an episode. I am so lonely and so hurt by people that have backed away or have not been there when I was hitting bottom for various reasons. I am more hurt that many of these people were so called Christians. I know we are all human, but I don't understand why people are truly not there when someone is really hurting and needs help. For now, I can't even deal with this, I am just going to focus on the things I need to do to get better and keep my focus on my family...because really that's all I have right now.