Unfortunately after a positive week, I should have known what was over the hill I had been climbing. I am now back at the bottom. I realized this has been 17 years I have been falling and picking myself up. How much longer can I do this? What if there is a time, I can't find the strength to get up again? I seem to be getting more and more frustrating with each time. I'm getting so tired. Maybe it's hard realizing each time the hope I'm holding onto, that this time I won't plummet down again is not going to happen...it's inevitable.
I think it makes it harder because I'm a Christian. I struggle knowing these feelings are real and as a Christian what I am told I"m suppose to do and I know I should and be able to attain. I know I'm suppose to rely on God completely...that he will fill all my needs...etc...guess I don't get exactly how to do that.... literally...I try....I know the things I"m told... that I can't do anything on my own and I can do anything with him...if anything it just frustrates me more...
It makes it harder that I am fighting this battle by myself. I do not have close friends or family to rely on for support or even a church family. After switching churches in Aug, it is a challenge to feel like part of a new church. I struggle that I know as Christians we are suppose to focus on others and the churches job is mainly for those that are unsaved, but I'm so hurt that sometimes fellow Christians are the ones hurting and need support. I'm lonely, overwhelmed, lost, confused and frustrated. I'm thankful for my two precious children and husband because I think I really would not be able to keep doing this day after day if it wasn't for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment