Facing my "Reality"

     I apologize if anybody is actually reading this that the last couple of posts have been all about me and all negative. Right now, my focus is on me because if I don't find a way to function, nothing else will matter.  The depression has really kicked in hard lately.  This is a place I"m going to get my thoughts out because frankly I want to get them out of my head and to actually say them to anybody, would just freak them out.  Seems my frustration and anger toward feeling like this and trying for so many years every avenue I could for help and to no avail has made me lose the hope I had and made me realize I have to accept what my reality is right now.  My honest feelings are that I don't want to live like this, but suicide is not an option.  I would not do that to my kids.  So I'm left with  trying to find some way to keep getting through each day and doing what I need to do...from working to being a wife and mother when feeling like this one more minute is the last thing you want to do.
      At this point, I am trying to close the door. I am coming to the reality that I am doing this alone.   I've been standing at the threshold, trying to get people's attention that I need help, standing there wishing people would stop the busyness of their life for a second to understand the hell I"m in and just standing there holding on to hope that one of these days someone....my reality is I"m pretty much a lone.  Again, I thank God for my kids and Julio...they are what truly keeps me holding on.  The truth is people may care, but only to the point that you are affecting them or being an inconvenience to them. I don't want advice (I've tried it all) I need need people to walk through this with me. I hurt so deeply that I know my dad loves me, but can't say or show me.  It hurts that our so called family only gets together when we have to. I wonder all the time, what would people think or do if I did die......maybe they do care and love me...but stepping back, there is no proof and the evidence tells me I"m alone.
.     After 17 years, I have heard so many "solutions" from people on how to overcome this. I can honestly say that I have tried with all the effort I have from trying to "depend on God" to being the best patient a therapist could have. (her words, not mine) I find myself constantly saying what am I missing, what am I not doing, why isn't this working for me...etc...as of right now this is my reality what I believe whether it's right or wrong it's where I am. 
     I don't know where I am with God.  I"m sure I won't give up on him because my faith is at the core of who I am...but I wonder why I can't have the peace, comfort etc...maybe I'm stupid, but I really don't get how you "depend on God", "let go and let God", "completely trust him"...What does that mean...what does it look like.
    After two years with my therapist I am starting to believe the hope I held onto that there was some hidden answer was never there.  Just thinking "positive" thoughts seems like brainwashing...ignore your feelings and tell yourself things you don't believe or feel. 
   From here, I am still trying to focus on continuing to lose weight and will continue to call out to God to help me.  I  can only pray he will continue to give me the strength to keep going day after day.