The year started off well with a few days to unwind from Christmas festivities and prepare to go back to work. In a way, I was looking forward to it so I could get back on a schedule, my routines and get started on the goals I have that I am continuing or starting.
My main focus is to refocus on losing the rest of my weight after the last two months where I let stress and busyness keep me from what I should have been doing. This also included getting back consistently to jazzercise every week. I can say that week one was a success! I am already starting to feel better and lost 6 pounds! I definitely want to keep my momentum and my focus and continue throughout this next year and accomplish something that I know I can, but only through God's help. Jazzercise and the people there have been such a blessing. They motivate me and are a support system.
Eating right and exercising helps fight my depression, but there are still a lot of triggers and I still am struggling with it a lot. I get so frustrated because I'm trying so hard and have done and am doing everything I can to help myself and to get better. I hear from people and even voices in my head of things I've read or heard, well you should be doing this, or do this...only to end up more frustrated. I have been struggling with this ever since a teenager and have been down the road of medication, vitamins, various counselors (finally found a good one two years ago after years and years of ones who did not know what they were doing!) and doing what I know as a Christian I should be doing by trying to rely on God through it all. It is so hard to try to change everything that you have learned and how you were raised and at the same time, try and be a "good" mother. I do not want either of my children, but really worry about Gabby, going through any of what I am going through because of something I didn't show her,teach or or a need I didn't meet. (yes, here's that voice, I shouldn't worry, I am a good mother, and the needs I can't meet, God will) I am overwhelmed emotionally trying to raise an emotionally healthy, well- behave child who I don't want to be nothing like me.( or at least the dysfunctional parts!) Seems no matter how hard I try and everything I try to do, it's just not enough for me or for Gabby. I get tired physically and mentally of fighting this, day after day after day, I just get so tired and frustrated (need of much stronger words that those) and want to give up. Usually I give myself a kick and find enough strength and God helps me to keep me putting one foot in front of the other...I thank God for Gabby and Tyler...because when Satan really attacks me and I'm at my lowest...they are the motivation and strength that keeps me going here on earth.
This week I can feel God with me and working. He has answered prayers and so far it's been a good week. I know I should stay positive, but the reality is, I know the next downhill is coming...because after years and years it always has. For now, I will try and prepare myself and strive to deal with it better each time than the last. I thank God for his faithfulness, his love, his patience and his forgiveness...all which I don't deserve. I thank him I have such a wonderful family with a great husband and 2 precious children who drive me crazy, but seem to bring a chuckle or smile to me at just the right time. I want to continue to work on myself so I can be the best wife and mother I can be, because they definitely deserve that...in the end I can only hope that the love I do show them, and my intentions are enough.
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