Dead Honesty

Since I had started medication, the depression has not gotten better, but is getting worse. Seems at the end of last year when I had improved somewhat or even last month when I was optimistic about medication working, I had renewed hope that I was going to defeat this. Even though we are only on the first medication, I have lost a sense of hope. I have begun to feel a sense of shame and guilt about my thoughts and the way I'm feeling. People who have not experienced this do not understand how someone could think or feel this way. They even get angry because they see things so differently and think I don't have a "reason" to feel the way I do...and I guess I don't, but doesn't change the fact that I do. It's almost like there is a barrier that is keeping me from seeing or thinking the way they do. I know what I should feel like or think but I don't. I feel like a really bad person for feeling this way. I have so much guilt that Julio and the kids deserve such a better and happier life. A better mother and wife than I am...at least right now.

I am going to be completely honest about how I'm feeling and my thoughts. It's not about why I feel this way or whether it's right or wrong...the reality is I do.

I know there are a lot of people that have worst situations or going through much worse stuff and realistic, I have no reason to feel sad. If didn't have my husband or kids I wouldn't want to live. They are the reasons I keep going, even though I wish I could be more for them. They deserve the best and deserve so much more. I hate that life right now is just getting through each day. I feel at times I do feel a little better if Gabby is doing well, if I'm losing weight or if we aren't behind on the bills. Times when those things are not happening, I'm feeling the worst. I've lost interest and joy in everything. Every now and then the kids do something that makes me smile, but other than that, the only thing I find the least little bit of joy in is food. I'm not even in the mood for Christmas this year. Hard to get excited when there isn't any money to have a good Christmas even though Julio and I both work hard. The best time is when I AM able to sleep...when my mind is not thinking and I don't have to deal with the inner torture and prison I live in.

I can only hope that I will find a way out of this and that I will have the strength to make it to another day.