Great Start!

So happy to report we are all off to a great start to the new school year! Many positive changes are happening and I couldn't be happier.

 I am at a new school this year.  The change has been much needed and a pleasant one.  I am loving having my own room and building a rapport with a new group of kids.  The staff and principal are very nice and I enjoy working with them.  I think this is going to be a great year! 

 

 

 The kids new favorite thing is participating in the Lowe's Build and Grow program.  They love doing it with pop-pop.  Right after we went to see the Planes movie, they were able to build their favorite plane from the movie.  I have a feeling we will be going to more in the future!

 Both kids were super excited to start a new school year and in a new room.  Gabby started Fourth grade and Tyler started his last year of preschool.  Gabby loves her teacher and is already off to an awesome start!  She has been picked with three other kids to be a part of an advanced group where they will go to for part of the day.  I'm very happy that they see Gabby's potential and want to challenge her while allowing her to grow.  She seems very encouraged already!  At home, we are working hard on learning/reviewing her multiplication tables.
 In fourth grade she has had the opportunity to join the band.   She is  starting the flute in a few weeks! There is also a chorus that will be starting which is right up her alley!  She came home the other day after music class and started singing every word to the Star Spangled Banner!  There are days she just amazes me!

Tyler is doing well in preschool as well.  He is growing so fast!  He can wrote his name and were slowly working on him tying his shoes.  He is still a mama's boy and tends to be my cuddlier.  I love his hugs and kisses everyday before I go to work. 

I have changed a lot in my life as well.  There has been a lot of positive results.  I am eating healthy and paying close attention to portion control.  I am also exercising 3 times a week. I have lost 12 pounds this past month. Today, I have started to train for a possible 5 K in November.  Gabby may be joining a running club at school where their goal is a 5 K.  I thought it would be cool to try and do it with her and support her.  I found an app that is called couch potato to 5 K! I know this won't be easy, but I"m going to give it my best shot! In any case, the added exercise will help with my goals of changing my lifestyle.
Looking forward to what is in store down the road for all of us.  We are entering one my favorite times of the year and all the fun activities we do...definitely will have more to post next month!

New School Year + New Beginning= Changes!

It has been about 4 months since my last post.  I was glad for the school year to end and summer to arrive!  I had a great summer and of course as expected went by way too fast! I was able to have some time to myself, time with the kids and things for us to do as a family.  I took day trips by myself and got to take and do a lot of stuff with the kids. 

In June, as a family we got to go to the Sight and Sound Theatre for the first time.  We took Julio and my dad for Father's day.  It was such an amazing experience.  Both kids enjoyed it and we can't wait to go back again...hopefully to see Jonah when it is playing.

July, we kicked summer off running!  Gabby was able to have some new experiences like having swim lessons and learning to sew.  She made a dress and a shirt/shorts outfit with Ms. Kim.  We are grateful to have Ms. Kim for Gabby as a positive role model and mentor in her life. 

Tyler also had an exciting summer learning to ride his new "big boy" bike and writing his name.  He is super excited to be going into his last year of preschool!


 The highlight of July is always the Delaware State Fair.  It's something we all look forward to.  We love the pig races, circus and the rides!

The rest of the month we took day trips to the Brandywine zoo for an Exotic Bird Presentation, the Cowboy monkey rodeo at the BlueRocks and getting to ride the go-carts for the first time at Rehobeth.  July is our favorite month by far!

Two of my favorite things this summer was that I got a new car and a new kitten.  Both orange!  The car is a 2013 Dodge Dart!  I love it! 

Our kitten, we named Simba since her sister is Nala.  Both kids came up with the name and agreed, so Simba it was!  We are having fun loving and playing with her.  She is a great addition to our family!

August is the month that always goes by so fast.  Although it was a great summer, I am anxious for a new school year and a new beginning which is much needed!  I am at a new school this year full-time with my own classroom. I'm hoping it will be a good change and a chance at a new beginning.

I am still dealing with depression and some days the loneliness is unbearable.  Unfortunately if I"m being honest I can say I feel this way because I have lost hope in people and struggling with where God is in all this. This is a time in my life, where I feel really alone and in some aspects I really am.  I'm hoping I can work through this even if it is all by myself. 

 I"m also excited about getting back to my good habits of healthy eating and exercise and reaching my goals I have set for myself.  I definitely will be blogging more on my progress and all the changes I will be making. I feel it really is time to focus on myself and start the journey of loving myself again...because in the end, I am all I really have.

 

April

The end of March and the beginning of April has been eventful.  Spring Break was so enjoyable!  I was able to spend some great family quality time with Julio and the kids as well as time to myself.  It was nice to have a break and get some extra rest. We started the break celebrating Easter.  This year for the first time we took the kids on the Easter Bunny Express at the Wilmington Railroad.  It was a nice family day.  Tyler loved riding on the train and both kids enjoyed seeing the Easter Bunny and getting a huge chocolate Bunny Treat!

 

The kids were excited to get up Easter morning to see what the Easter Bunny had brought them.  We started the morning reading the Resurrection Story of Jesus before coming downstairs.  The kids loved their laloopsy and spiderman baskets with special toys and treats! I believe their favorite was the bubbles which they often just blow in the house!

Another highlight of Easter Morning was being able to dress up in their special clothes.  Tyler had a special outfit and Gabby had a dress that a friend had made just for her.  They thought they were a real prince and princess!

The first weekend in April we celebrated Tyler's Birthday.  He would be turning 4 on April 8th.  Hard to realize my baby is growing up!  He is definitely a joy.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something or say something that makes me smile or chuckle.  He's truly a blessing! 
It is a tradition that we do something special with each of them for their birthday so they get individualized mommy/daddy time.  Tyler's wish was Chucky Cheese while Gabby spent special time with one of her good friends. We ALL actually had a blast.  We had so much fun playing the games with him and I sat back and just smiled watching Julio and him playing the boy" games.  It was nice to have that time together.  Definitely another memory to remember down the road as he grows up. 

On his birthday,he woke up and asked me right away, My birthday is TODAY?  Im four TODAY?  :) He  took Birthday ice cream cups to share with his friends and teachers.  We got him a special balloon and sash to wear to make him feel extra special.  He had a lot of fun and couldn't wait to get home and get to his presents! 
His birthday ended up being a power ranger birthday.  He got some of his favorites and a real power ranger sword that even lights up!

We ended the night with a cake that Gabby help me make.  He loved blowing out the candles that spelled his name. The next day he was little sad when he woke up and stated...it's not my birthday anymore...Guess all good things have to come to an end!

If you have read previous posts, you know that I have gone through another rough time the past couple of months.  It's been really difficult.  There were days it was very hard to function and do everything I have to do from getting through a day of work and coming home and handling everything that needs to be done at home.  I went to the doctor right before Spring break and doctor recommended two different medications.  Although I didn't have much hope, since they haven't provided much relief in the past, after 3 weeks I have started to feel much better. I just hope it continues.  Although I hate the idea of medication, I will do whatever I can so I can enjoy all the blessings God has put in my life.  Now I'm hoping to put back in my healthy habits like working out 3 times a week that I was doing before my setback.  Either way, Summer is right around the corner which is something to look forward to!

 

Julio and I are excited to be looking forward to celebrating our 11th Anniversary the end of this month.  There is not a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for him.  I love him so much and it will be wonderful to take our annual trip to the Poconos and go away for a night to celebrate our love and focus on just us!

 

 

 

March brings Change!

I am so glad February is over!  It was a really rough month for me.  Many days I was just doing my best to take it one hour at a time and get through the day. We are heading down another path of another possible reason why I struggle with depression and what could be causing it.  Although it won't be for at least a month before we find out if there is any truth on this path, it gives me a little hope to keep fighting and that there may be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long this tunnel seems to be!  I'm hoping that March will be much better and looking forward to a new beginning.  I plan to make some drastic changes that I know will help me focus more on what I have to do.  I am going to rededicate myself to eating healthy and working out three times a week.  I am also going to put my scale away for the month so it doesn't serve as a trigger.  I am also going to stay off facebook for many reasons.  I'm hoping these changes will benefit me as well as the rest of my family. We are also continuing to look for a church that is right for our family.  We have a couple of things we are looking for, but we are praying God leads us where he wants us to call home. I want to find a place that meets all our needs and a place we can grow.

Quite a few things have happened over past month.  We got to take the kids to Disney on Ice.  They both loved it and we had a great time! 

 

We celebrated Valentines day with stuffed animals and special treats.  I am always thankful on this day for Julio and the kids.  I am blessed to have a man that shows me he loves me everyday of the year by all he does for me.  He is and will always be the love of my life.

Gabby has started the recorder in school.  She was super excited and couldn't wait. I am enjoying working and playing with her.  I'm so glad I can pass down the love of music!

We also attended an awards program at her school where she was recognized for straight A's.  I can't tell you how proud of her I was! She got 10 A's on her report card.  I know she worked really really hard.  I was even more happy to see how proud she was of herself and the pure joy she had in her smile.  I"m glad that I could help her attain such an honor.  Truly blessed to have such a smart and beautiful girl as a daughter!

Success!

This week was a much better week and I'm glad to get a relief from the intense feeling I had been feeling.  It seems a variety of things were going against me last week that made it difficult. There are still days, I struggle quite a bit, but I keep plugging along and do what I need to do each day.  Julio or one of the kids always try to manage to make me smile in some way. :)

  This week was the one year anniversary of my mom-mom passing.  We love and miss her dearly, but have so many fond memories and she definitely left a legacy.  Her love for God and for family showed in everything she said and did.  It gives me peace that  she is in Heaven with mom, finally reunited with her family and they are both looking down and still enjoying their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

    This week was a good week of weight loss.  I lost 3.6.  Although it can be so frustrating at times, and definitely hard work and commitment to eat healthy and work-out when you may not feel like it, it's worth it, and has so many benefits in the long run! 
   Although I have lost a total of 55, starting the biggest loser at work I have lost over 13 since beginning of the new year.  That's something I can be proud of!

Facing my "Reality"

     I apologize if anybody is actually reading this that the last couple of posts have been all about me and all negative. Right now, my focus is on me because if I don't find a way to function, nothing else will matter.  The depression has really kicked in hard lately.  This is a place I"m going to get my thoughts out because frankly I want to get them out of my head and to actually say them to anybody, would just freak them out.  Seems my frustration and anger toward feeling like this and trying for so many years every avenue I could for help and to no avail has made me lose the hope I had and made me realize I have to accept what my reality is right now.  My honest feelings are that I don't want to live like this, but suicide is not an option.  I would not do that to my kids.  So I'm left with  trying to find some way to keep getting through each day and doing what I need to do...from working to being a wife and mother when feeling like this one more minute is the last thing you want to do.
      At this point, I am trying to close the door. I am coming to the reality that I am doing this alone.   I've been standing at the threshold, trying to get people's attention that I need help, standing there wishing people would stop the busyness of their life for a second to understand the hell I"m in and just standing there holding on to hope that one of these days someone....my reality is I"m pretty much a lone.  Again, I thank God for my kids and Julio...they are what truly keeps me holding on.  The truth is people may care, but only to the point that you are affecting them or being an inconvenience to them. I don't want advice (I've tried it all) I need need people to walk through this with me. I hurt so deeply that I know my dad loves me, but can't say or show me.  It hurts that our so called family only gets together when we have to. I wonder all the time, what would people think or do if I did die......maybe they do care and love me...but stepping back, there is no proof and the evidence tells me I"m alone.
.     After 17 years, I have heard so many "solutions" from people on how to overcome this. I can honestly say that I have tried with all the effort I have from trying to "depend on God" to being the best patient a therapist could have. (her words, not mine) I find myself constantly saying what am I missing, what am I not doing, why isn't this working for me...etc...as of right now this is my reality what I believe whether it's right or wrong it's where I am. 
     I don't know where I am with God.  I"m sure I won't give up on him because my faith is at the core of who I am...but I wonder why I can't have the peace, comfort etc...maybe I'm stupid, but I really don't get how you "depend on God", "let go and let God", "completely trust him"...What does that mean...what does it look like.
    After two years with my therapist I am starting to believe the hope I held onto that there was some hidden answer was never there.  Just thinking "positive" thoughts seems like brainwashing...ignore your feelings and tell yourself things you don't believe or feel. 
   From here, I am still trying to focus on continuing to lose weight and will continue to call out to God to help me.  I  can only pray he will continue to give me the strength to keep going day after day.

Roller-coaster ride...2nd half :(

     Unfortunately after a positive week, I should have known what was over the hill I had been climbing.  I am now back at the bottom.  I realized this has been 17 years I have been falling and picking myself up.  How much longer can I do this?  What if there is a time, I can't find the strength to get up again?  I seem to be getting more and more frustrating with each time. I'm getting so tired.  Maybe it's hard realizing each time the hope I'm holding onto, that this time I won't plummet down again is not going to happen...it's inevitable.
  I think it makes it harder because I'm a Christian.  I struggle knowing these feelings are real and as a Christian what I am told I"m suppose to do and I know I should and be  able to attain.  I know I'm suppose to rely on God completely...that he will fill all my needs...etc...guess I don't get exactly how to do that.... literally...I try....I know the things I"m told... that I can't do anything on my own and I can do anything with him...if anything it just frustrates me more...
     It makes it harder that I am fighting this battle by myself.  I do not have close friends or family to rely on for support or even a church family.  After switching churches in Aug, it is a challenge to feel like part of a new church.  I struggle that I know as Christians we are suppose to focus on others and the churches job is mainly for those that are unsaved, but I'm so hurt that sometimes fellow Christians are the ones hurting and need support.   I'm lonely, overwhelmed, lost, confused and frustrated.  I'm thankful for my two precious children and husband because I think I really would not be able to keep doing this day after day if it wasn't for them.