March brings Change!

I am so glad February is over!  It was a really rough month for me.  Many days I was just doing my best to take it one hour at a time and get through the day. We are heading down another path of another possible reason why I struggle with depression and what could be causing it.  Although it won't be for at least a month before we find out if there is any truth on this path, it gives me a little hope to keep fighting and that there may be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long this tunnel seems to be!  I'm hoping that March will be much better and looking forward to a new beginning.  I plan to make some drastic changes that I know will help me focus more on what I have to do.  I am going to rededicate myself to eating healthy and working out three times a week.  I am also going to put my scale away for the month so it doesn't serve as a trigger.  I am also going to stay off facebook for many reasons.  I'm hoping these changes will benefit me as well as the rest of my family. We are also continuing to look for a church that is right for our family.  We have a couple of things we are looking for, but we are praying God leads us where he wants us to call home. I want to find a place that meets all our needs and a place we can grow.

Quite a few things have happened over past month.  We got to take the kids to Disney on Ice.  They both loved it and we had a great time! 

 

We celebrated Valentines day with stuffed animals and special treats.  I am always thankful on this day for Julio and the kids.  I am blessed to have a man that shows me he loves me everyday of the year by all he does for me.  He is and will always be the love of my life.

Gabby has started the recorder in school.  She was super excited and couldn't wait. I am enjoying working and playing with her.  I'm so glad I can pass down the love of music!

We also attended an awards program at her school where she was recognized for straight A's.  I can't tell you how proud of her I was! She got 10 A's on her report card.  I know she worked really really hard.  I was even more happy to see how proud she was of herself and the pure joy she had in her smile.  I"m glad that I could help her attain such an honor.  Truly blessed to have such a smart and beautiful girl as a daughter!

Success!

This week was a much better week and I'm glad to get a relief from the intense feeling I had been feeling.  It seems a variety of things were going against me last week that made it difficult. There are still days, I struggle quite a bit, but I keep plugging along and do what I need to do each day.  Julio or one of the kids always try to manage to make me smile in some way. :)

  This week was the one year anniversary of my mom-mom passing.  We love and miss her dearly, but have so many fond memories and she definitely left a legacy.  Her love for God and for family showed in everything she said and did.  It gives me peace that  she is in Heaven with mom, finally reunited with her family and they are both looking down and still enjoying their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

    This week was a good week of weight loss.  I lost 3.6.  Although it can be so frustrating at times, and definitely hard work and commitment to eat healthy and work-out when you may not feel like it, it's worth it, and has so many benefits in the long run! 
   Although I have lost a total of 55, starting the biggest loser at work I have lost over 13 since beginning of the new year.  That's something I can be proud of!

Facing my "Reality"

     I apologize if anybody is actually reading this that the last couple of posts have been all about me and all negative. Right now, my focus is on me because if I don't find a way to function, nothing else will matter.  The depression has really kicked in hard lately.  This is a place I"m going to get my thoughts out because frankly I want to get them out of my head and to actually say them to anybody, would just freak them out.  Seems my frustration and anger toward feeling like this and trying for so many years every avenue I could for help and to no avail has made me lose the hope I had and made me realize I have to accept what my reality is right now.  My honest feelings are that I don't want to live like this, but suicide is not an option.  I would not do that to my kids.  So I'm left with  trying to find some way to keep getting through each day and doing what I need to do...from working to being a wife and mother when feeling like this one more minute is the last thing you want to do.
      At this point, I am trying to close the door. I am coming to the reality that I am doing this alone.   I've been standing at the threshold, trying to get people's attention that I need help, standing there wishing people would stop the busyness of their life for a second to understand the hell I"m in and just standing there holding on to hope that one of these days someone....my reality is I"m pretty much a lone.  Again, I thank God for my kids and Julio...they are what truly keeps me holding on.  The truth is people may care, but only to the point that you are affecting them or being an inconvenience to them. I don't want advice (I've tried it all) I need need people to walk through this with me. I hurt so deeply that I know my dad loves me, but can't say or show me.  It hurts that our so called family only gets together when we have to. I wonder all the time, what would people think or do if I did die......maybe they do care and love me...but stepping back, there is no proof and the evidence tells me I"m alone.
.     After 17 years, I have heard so many "solutions" from people on how to overcome this. I can honestly say that I have tried with all the effort I have from trying to "depend on God" to being the best patient a therapist could have. (her words, not mine) I find myself constantly saying what am I missing, what am I not doing, why isn't this working for me...etc...as of right now this is my reality what I believe whether it's right or wrong it's where I am. 
     I don't know where I am with God.  I"m sure I won't give up on him because my faith is at the core of who I am...but I wonder why I can't have the peace, comfort etc...maybe I'm stupid, but I really don't get how you "depend on God", "let go and let God", "completely trust him"...What does that mean...what does it look like.
    After two years with my therapist I am starting to believe the hope I held onto that there was some hidden answer was never there.  Just thinking "positive" thoughts seems like brainwashing...ignore your feelings and tell yourself things you don't believe or feel. 
   From here, I am still trying to focus on continuing to lose weight and will continue to call out to God to help me.  I  can only pray he will continue to give me the strength to keep going day after day.

Roller-coaster ride...2nd half :(

     Unfortunately after a positive week, I should have known what was over the hill I had been climbing.  I am now back at the bottom.  I realized this has been 17 years I have been falling and picking myself up.  How much longer can I do this?  What if there is a time, I can't find the strength to get up again?  I seem to be getting more and more frustrating with each time. I'm getting so tired.  Maybe it's hard realizing each time the hope I'm holding onto, that this time I won't plummet down again is not going to happen...it's inevitable.
  I think it makes it harder because I'm a Christian.  I struggle knowing these feelings are real and as a Christian what I am told I"m suppose to do and I know I should and be  able to attain.  I know I'm suppose to rely on God completely...that he will fill all my needs...etc...guess I don't get exactly how to do that.... literally...I try....I know the things I"m told... that I can't do anything on my own and I can do anything with him...if anything it just frustrates me more...
     It makes it harder that I am fighting this battle by myself.  I do not have close friends or family to rely on for support or even a church family.  After switching churches in Aug, it is a challenge to feel like part of a new church.  I struggle that I know as Christians we are suppose to focus on others and the churches job is mainly for those that are unsaved, but I'm so hurt that sometimes fellow Christians are the ones hurting and need support.   I'm lonely, overwhelmed, lost, confused and frustrated.  I'm thankful for my two precious children and husband because I think I really would not be able to keep doing this day after day if it wasn't for them. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

     This has has been a good but emotional week.  My birthdays are always a dreaded time because my birthdays as a kid were always special.  Without my mom, and as a adult I have really struggled with them. It is usually like just  another day which can be really depressing.  Over the past years, I have lost "friends" (due to my depression) and have lost family members through death. As a result of all of us getting older and getting busier in our own lives, I still can not come to terms about wanting to be closer with my family.  I have a wonderful husband and precious kids.  I am so thankful for my own family that is a safe haven and blessing to me.  I still struggle a lot with loneliness and yearn to have those few friends I can really be closer to as well.
     This year my birthday was relaxing and actually emotional. It started with my jazzercise girls getting together with me the night before to celebrate.  Just the fact that so many of them took time out of their schedule to come, really touched me.    I got to spend the next  day with Julio, going out to breakfast and watching a movie.  It was nice to have that time with him and enjoy just the two of us.  I was touched to get a few cards, and encouraging texts and notes from family and friends that let me know they cared and I was valued.  I received a card that I will always treasure from my dad that really touched my heart.  All this made me realize how many people I have that are apart of my support system and even when the loneliness/depression gets the best of me this time, there are people out there that truly care about me.  
     This weekend the celebration will end with Julio and I going out on a Birthday date alone to the melting pot.  I am so excited!  It will be so nice to enjoy a nice romantic dinner together.  This weekend is turning out to be a great two days of resting and spending quality family time.  My favorite kind of weekends!
     This week also brought about some expected challenges as I continued my journey of getting healthier.  I am very proud of how I handled them and the choices I made. Even though I can "splurge" once in a while, I can be proud of these successes and it shows how these changes are not temporary but permanent.  They are going to be a part of my life from now on.  I was able to eat foods that would be triggers and able to eat them in portion or able to go out to eat and make good choices.  For me, these are things I can celebrate as ways I am learning and growing.
    

Physical and Mental Positive Change!

     The last couple weeks have been going well.  I'm sticking to eating healthier and keeping my routine of working out three times a week. This is something that will become more and more of a habit and is a lifestyle change.  Since my highest weight, I have lost 50 pounds. There was a time I was down even further.    That gives me something to always remember and how far I have come.  I have had set backs the last half of 2012 which did not help me to continue to move forward.  With the beginning of 2013, I am determined and committed.  This is not just a diet or a temporary thing...it is a permanent change. A change that is for me and for my family.  I will make it to my goal no matter how long it takes. I am not going to give up in the months ahead when others around me lose their stamina.  This is something I will be successful at.  Deep down, there is a person who used to not that anything stop her from accomplishing what she set out to do. I am in the process of finding that person again after years of believing the person was gone. With God's strength that only he can give, I know I can do what looks like the impossible.  He makes the impossible possible!
     Last week I lost 6 which of course I was very happy about.  Although I know as the weeks go on, I will average between 1-2 pounds, this week with weight loss exactly around that, I was a little disappointed.  I didn't expect it to slow down already!  I had worked very hard but I can stop and give myself a pat on the back when I was able to continue to be successful and choose to say no donuts, candy, and other stuff that was being put right in front of my face or offered to me.  I can also be proud of myself I pushed myself to work out when I would have rather just gone home and collapsed on the couch.  Those are little success I can be proud about because it's these little steps of good choices that will continue to help me reach my goal. 
  

What am I feeling?

The year started off well with a few days to unwind from Christmas festivities and prepare to go back to work.  In a way, I was looking forward to it so I could get back on a schedule, my routines and get started on the goals I have that I am continuing or starting.
 My main focus is to refocus on losing the rest of my weight after the last two months where I let stress and busyness keep me from what I should have been doing.  This also included getting back consistently to jazzercise every week.  I can say that week one was a success!  I am already starting to feel better and lost 6 pounds!  I definitely want to keep my momentum and my focus and continue throughout this next year and accomplish something that I know I can, but only through God's help.  Jazzercise and the people there have been such a blessing.  They motivate me and are a support system.
  Eating right and exercising helps fight my depression, but there are still a lot of triggers and I still am struggling with it a lot.  I get so frustrated because I'm trying so hard and have done and am doing everything I can to help myself and to get better.  I hear from people and even voices in my head of things I've read or heard, well you should be doing this, or do this...only to end up more frustrated.  I have been struggling with this ever since a teenager and have been down the road of medication, vitamins, various counselors (finally found a good one two years ago after years and years of ones who did not know what they were doing!) and doing what I know as a Christian I should be doing by trying to rely on God through it all.  It is so hard to try to change everything that you have learned and how you were raised and at the same time, try and be a "good" mother.  I do not want either of my children, but really worry about Gabby, going through any of what I am going through because of something I didn't show her,teach or  or a need I didn't meet. (yes, here's that voice, I shouldn't worry, I am a good mother, and the needs I can't meet, God will) I am overwhelmed emotionally trying to raise an emotionally healthy, well- behave child who I don't want to be nothing like me.( or at least the dysfunctional parts!) Seems no matter how hard I try and everything I try to do, it's just not enough for me or for Gabby.  I get tired physically and mentally of fighting this, day after day after day, I just get so tired and frustrated (need of much stronger words that those) and want to give up.  Usually I give myself a kick and find enough strength and God helps me to keep me putting one foot in front of the other...I thank God for Gabby and Tyler...because when Satan really attacks me and I'm at my lowest...they are the motivation and strength that keeps me going here on earth. 
  This week I can feel God with me and working.  He has answered prayers and so far it's been a good week.  I know I should stay positive, but the reality is, I know the next downhill is coming...because after years and years it always has.  For now, I will try and prepare myself and strive to deal with it better each time than the last.  I thank God for his faithfulness, his love, his patience and his forgiveness...all which I don't deserve.  I thank him I have such a wonderful family with a great husband and 2 precious children who drive me crazy, but seem to bring a chuckle or smile to me at just the right time.  I want to continue to work on myself so I can be the best wife and mother I can be, because they definitely deserve that...in the end I can only hope that the love I do show them, and my intentions are enough.