Happy Birthday to Me!

     This has has been a good but emotional week.  My birthdays are always a dreaded time because my birthdays as a kid were always special.  Without my mom, and as a adult I have really struggled with them. It is usually like just  another day which can be really depressing.  Over the past years, I have lost "friends" (due to my depression) and have lost family members through death. As a result of all of us getting older and getting busier in our own lives, I still can not come to terms about wanting to be closer with my family.  I have a wonderful husband and precious kids.  I am so thankful for my own family that is a safe haven and blessing to me.  I still struggle a lot with loneliness and yearn to have those few friends I can really be closer to as well.
     This year my birthday was relaxing and actually emotional. It started with my jazzercise girls getting together with me the night before to celebrate.  Just the fact that so many of them took time out of their schedule to come, really touched me.    I got to spend the next  day with Julio, going out to breakfast and watching a movie.  It was nice to have that time with him and enjoy just the two of us.  I was touched to get a few cards, and encouraging texts and notes from family and friends that let me know they cared and I was valued.  I received a card that I will always treasure from my dad that really touched my heart.  All this made me realize how many people I have that are apart of my support system and even when the loneliness/depression gets the best of me this time, there are people out there that truly care about me.  
     This weekend the celebration will end with Julio and I going out on a Birthday date alone to the melting pot.  I am so excited!  It will be so nice to enjoy a nice romantic dinner together.  This weekend is turning out to be a great two days of resting and spending quality family time.  My favorite kind of weekends!
     This week also brought about some expected challenges as I continued my journey of getting healthier.  I am very proud of how I handled them and the choices I made. Even though I can "splurge" once in a while, I can be proud of these successes and it shows how these changes are not temporary but permanent.  They are going to be a part of my life from now on.  I was able to eat foods that would be triggers and able to eat them in portion or able to go out to eat and make good choices.  For me, these are things I can celebrate as ways I am learning and growing.
    

Physical and Mental Positive Change!

     The last couple weeks have been going well.  I'm sticking to eating healthier and keeping my routine of working out three times a week. This is something that will become more and more of a habit and is a lifestyle change.  Since my highest weight, I have lost 50 pounds. There was a time I was down even further.    That gives me something to always remember and how far I have come.  I have had set backs the last half of 2012 which did not help me to continue to move forward.  With the beginning of 2013, I am determined and committed.  This is not just a diet or a temporary thing...it is a permanent change. A change that is for me and for my family.  I will make it to my goal no matter how long it takes. I am not going to give up in the months ahead when others around me lose their stamina.  This is something I will be successful at.  Deep down, there is a person who used to not that anything stop her from accomplishing what she set out to do. I am in the process of finding that person again after years of believing the person was gone. With God's strength that only he can give, I know I can do what looks like the impossible.  He makes the impossible possible!
     Last week I lost 6 which of course I was very happy about.  Although I know as the weeks go on, I will average between 1-2 pounds, this week with weight loss exactly around that, I was a little disappointed.  I didn't expect it to slow down already!  I had worked very hard but I can stop and give myself a pat on the back when I was able to continue to be successful and choose to say no donuts, candy, and other stuff that was being put right in front of my face or offered to me.  I can also be proud of myself I pushed myself to work out when I would have rather just gone home and collapsed on the couch.  Those are little success I can be proud about because it's these little steps of good choices that will continue to help me reach my goal. 
  

What am I feeling?

The year started off well with a few days to unwind from Christmas festivities and prepare to go back to work.  In a way, I was looking forward to it so I could get back on a schedule, my routines and get started on the goals I have that I am continuing or starting.
 My main focus is to refocus on losing the rest of my weight after the last two months where I let stress and busyness keep me from what I should have been doing.  This also included getting back consistently to jazzercise every week.  I can say that week one was a success!  I am already starting to feel better and lost 6 pounds!  I definitely want to keep my momentum and my focus and continue throughout this next year and accomplish something that I know I can, but only through God's help.  Jazzercise and the people there have been such a blessing.  They motivate me and are a support system.
  Eating right and exercising helps fight my depression, but there are still a lot of triggers and I still am struggling with it a lot.  I get so frustrated because I'm trying so hard and have done and am doing everything I can to help myself and to get better.  I hear from people and even voices in my head of things I've read or heard, well you should be doing this, or do this...only to end up more frustrated.  I have been struggling with this ever since a teenager and have been down the road of medication, vitamins, various counselors (finally found a good one two years ago after years and years of ones who did not know what they were doing!) and doing what I know as a Christian I should be doing by trying to rely on God through it all.  It is so hard to try to change everything that you have learned and how you were raised and at the same time, try and be a "good" mother.  I do not want either of my children, but really worry about Gabby, going through any of what I am going through because of something I didn't show her,teach or  or a need I didn't meet. (yes, here's that voice, I shouldn't worry, I am a good mother, and the needs I can't meet, God will) I am overwhelmed emotionally trying to raise an emotionally healthy, well- behave child who I don't want to be nothing like me.( or at least the dysfunctional parts!) Seems no matter how hard I try and everything I try to do, it's just not enough for me or for Gabby.  I get tired physically and mentally of fighting this, day after day after day, I just get so tired and frustrated (need of much stronger words that those) and want to give up.  Usually I give myself a kick and find enough strength and God helps me to keep me putting one foot in front of the other...I thank God for Gabby and Tyler...because when Satan really attacks me and I'm at my lowest...they are the motivation and strength that keeps me going here on earth. 
  This week I can feel God with me and working.  He has answered prayers and so far it's been a good week.  I know I should stay positive, but the reality is, I know the next downhill is coming...because after years and years it always has.  For now, I will try and prepare myself and strive to deal with it better each time than the last.  I thank God for his faithfulness, his love, his patience and his forgiveness...all which I don't deserve.  I thank him I have such a wonderful family with a great husband and 2 precious children who drive me crazy, but seem to bring a chuckle or smile to me at just the right time.  I want to continue to work on myself so I can be the best wife and mother I can be, because they definitely deserve that...in the end I can only hope that the love I do show them, and my intentions are enough.

Happy New Year!



 

 

Here we are at the end of another year.  I'm looking forward to putting behind me another year and looking forward to what is ahead of me.  This year has had it's share of troubles, but I'm grateful we have gotten through them and am pushing on.  We are excited to continue to encourage each other in our weightloss efforts and I will continue to learn how to live with depression and even some OCD tendencies. Change in routines or schedules seem to affect me and trigger a lot of anxiety.  It can be scary and very lonely at times.  All I can do is keep trying and do my best to rely on God, who in the end is the only person who is in complete control. 

 

 

Christmas Day was such a great day for us.  Gabby and Tyler were excited to have Pop-pop and Grand-pop both with us!  It was nice to enjoy each other, spend time playing and having fun with the kids and all they got for Christmas.  For the past couple of years, Julio and I have decided only to get the kids presents and focus on them. We know that the best present we could ever get is each other. 

 

One of Tyler's favorite presents was his first Hot Wheels track!  He also loved his new games for his mobigo  and some pretty cool lego sets.

Gabby's favorite presents were her Figit Friend and Furby. One very special gift she got was a hand-made desk that pop-pop made just for her. 

 

He even autographed it. It will be something we will treasure for a long time.

The Marker Christmas gathering this year was a lot of fun.  The kids had a blast and really enjoyed the special gifts they got.  I was glad that we all were able to enjoy each other.  You could feel the void from mom-mom not being there this year, but I'm sure she was definately smiling down and enjoying watching  all the festivities and the  grand-kids play together, but from Heaven this year.  She has left a legacy and a love for family I hope we always remember.

 

My dad and all the grand-kids

My dad, my brothers and I


As my Christmas Break is winding down, I"m trying to spend the last couple of days really relaxing and enjoying the downtime I have left to spend time as a family and do some things I don't normally have time to do. 

We're excited about welcoming in 2013 and everything it has in store for us!

 

Holiday Season!

We are upon the Holiday Season!  Seems we stay busy with our weekly schedule and try to use the weekends to spend some much needed quality time as a family and extra rest and relaxtion. There are some days and some weeks that are very challenging and I have trouble keeping up with all I have to do, continue to have strength to fight the depression that wants to destroy me, and doing my best to be a good mom and wife.  I make sure I do my best to make time to pray and rely on God through it all.  I am thankful for my family and enjoy making memories with them.

Gabby just brought home her first report card.  She ended up getting 9 A's and 1 B plus.  We are very proud of her.  She got a music award in school and we made a certificate for her for her grades from us.  It is definitely a challenge to continue to help her develop good habits and be supportivie at home.  Our goal this marking period is to focus on slowing down and taking pride in her work.  She is a very smart girl!

 

 

 

 This week we started decorating and getting ready for the Christmas season.  We were able to start the weekend by stopping by and visiting Santa.  Martin the Elf came back as well to watch them and report back to Santa every night.  It will be exciting to see them come down stairs each morning and try to find where his new place is. 

 Julio put lights out and we put a Nativity seen up in front of the house that my dad made.  I'm very proud of his work :)  He does such great work and has such a talent! 

 Finally, we went and picked out our tree and decorated it.  It was fun to watch the kids decorate it and look at all the ornaments that have such fond memories attached. 

I am struggling a lot right now, but I'm thankful for all God has blessed me with.  I'm thankful for Gabby and Tyler, even though some days they drive me nuts! :) I'm thankful I have a wonderful husband and a great marriage.  I trust in God that he will bring me through and has good things in store for me.  I will continue to pray and try and be still as I wait.

October and Fall Fun!

October is one of my favorite months!  I love all the fall festivities.  This past weekend we endured Hurricane/Frankenstorm Sandy.  While we were stuck in the house, we enjoyed quality time with each other, time to relax and did our pumpkins.  The two pumpkins below Julio and I did, although the kids for the first time, helped us clean them out. 

 Digging in....but careful not to touch the icky stuff!

 Both kids enjoyed decorating their pumpkins minus the mess with Mr. Potatoe head parts.  Tyler did a superhero and Gabby did a princess.  They loved taking the parts out and putting them in the wrong places!

 Here are the new pictures for this year.  Both kids pictures turned out well this year.  They are growing so fast!

 Last Sunday we made our annual trip to Filasky's to pick our pumpkins.  It was such a wonderful day and the weather was absolutely beautiful.  Got to take the wagon out (which I think they enjoyed riding in more) to bring our pumpkins back, went through the corn-maze, played in the blow-up train, and ride on the bike tractors. 

 One of our favorite things to do before Halloween is to go to the Yearly Fantasy Trail at Brecknock park.  It's been so funny to watch how their reactions have changed each year...We started going when Gabby was 1!  Tyler was so excited I think he bounced through the entire trail!

 Their favorites!

 Halloween for this year, Tyler wanted to be Spiderman, and Gabby wanted to be Spider-girl.  Tyler had to do the pose that was on the box for his costume!

 This year, we went to Fifer Orchards for their festivities.  Tyler's favorite activity was a huge corn pile. 

 Gabby's favorite was the pony ride

This has been a busy start of the year.  Things have been busy at work and keeping up with Gabby's school work. I'm hoping as we have gotten settled into our routines, the next couple of months, and the end of the year will be a little less busy and less stressful. I'm hoping to focus more now on losing the rest of my weight and get back to my exercise routine especially.

Switching churches has been such a blessing.  I feel it is and will be a great move for the whole family.  The kids are having a blast and learning a lot, and Julio and I have found a group of people that truly care and are genuine. They have such a passion for Christ and for his people.  They have been such a blessing to me and have made such a difference in my life in just the couple of months I have known them.  I am growing as I'm learning who I am in Christ, and thankful for my lifegroup who continue to keep me in prayer.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for my family as we continue to get to know people and learn to walk so others can see Christ through us and learn about his love for them.

A New School Year!

 

We finished the summer off by taking the kids to the beach one last time Labor Day Weekend.  We had a great day! Can't wait till next summer!

 

 Tyler has started preschool officially in the 3's class and Gabby started third grade.  Here is a picture of the first day for both of them for the beginning of a new year.  I pray that it will be a great year for both of them as they grow and learn lots of new things!

Things are starting to get quite busy.  Julio is working more, especially to prepare for the slow winter, while I keep up with my expercise schedule and the kids activities and homework every night.  Gabby is still doing jazzercise and will be starting a new group called Heritage Girls.  Similiar to girl scouts, but has a christian curriculum since we did not agree with what the girl scout organization supports now.  I think it will be a blessing and a great influence for her. 
We have also changed churches which has been a big transition.  Although it has been difficult, we know this is where God wants us and what is best for the kids.  We are joining this week a life group which will help the process of getting to know and connecting with people.  I'm excited about what God has instore for all of us as we start this new journey!

Fall is coming!  I have loved the milder weather and having the windows open.  October is one of my favorite months with lots of acitivites for the kids leading up to Halloween.  Fun times ahead for sure!