Catching up and on to Summer!

School is out and Summer is here! I hope it's a summer of lots of relaxation and fun!
A lot has happened since April.  Julio and I ended April by celebrating our 10 year Anniversary.  We took our traditional trip to the Poconos.  It was absolutely wonderful!

The beginning of May I got to go with Gabby on a field trip to the Rodeo.  It was lots of fun! 

Mother's Day we took our annual first trip to the beach.  The weather was much nicer this year and the kids enjoyed playing in the sand and of course the rides!

                                                              

Now the weather is getting warmer, we are spending more time outside and at the park.  We had a perfect day to go out and fly a kite. Kids had a blast!

We were even able to get the pool out already!  Were also spending time at Uncle Oscar's house and taking advantage of his pool!

Memorial Weekend!

We are starting summer off by celebrating Julio's Birthday.  The kids made him a cake and we are doing a cookout with dad's famous chicken.  Should be lots of fun!

Easter/Tyler's Birthday/Spring Break

We are ending a very eventful week of Spring Break for Gabby and I, Easter and celebrating Tyler's 3rd birthday.

We started the week off by taking Tyler and his buddy from Daycare to see Sesame Street Live. They both loved it.








Here is a picture of Tyler and the Easter Bunny at his daycare. He was one of only 3 who wasn't scared!



It was also nice to see both sides of our families during this week. Julio's dad got to visit for most of the weekend, my family on Easter, we went out to eat with Julio's family on Thursday, and celebrate April Birthdays in my family yesterday.



We started Easter off by of course dying Easter Egg's and having a blast at the Easter Egg Hunt at church!

Easter Morning, the kids got to enjoy their Easter Basket before we had to run off to church.

Sunday was spent opening and playing with presents. He loved playing with his construction trucks with pop-pop!

One of his favorite presents was his dinosaur, complete with sounds and shooting arrows!

To end the perfect day, we had Peanut Butter Ice Cream Pie! Yum! He also got to take ice cream sandwiches in for his friends to celebrate his birthday at school!

It's been a nice week spending time with family, and also having some time to myself to catch up on rest and relax. Of course the week was not long enough but summer is right around the corner! Counting Down!

Spring!

Well it's been a while! Haven't posted in about two months!

Seems life has been one big rollarcoaster ride!

We lost my second grandmother last month. We were so blessed to have her in our life. She lived to be 95 and had a long and wonderful life that was centered around God and family. We have much to learn from her and she has definitely left a precious legacy behind for us to follow. She has pushed me in the past month or so to not let fear keep me from doing God's will. I was able to read a poem she wrote at her funeral and speak in my church about what a difference she has made in my life. I am looking forward to volunteering and playing the piano or flute for the people she held dear to her for many years at her assisted living place this summer. I know she will be smiling down.

Here is a picture with the kids who she loved dearly!

I am still on the journey to overcome this depression and have complete healing. They continue to try and find the right medicine and dose that will help and I keep paying for it as well. I know God is bigger than this. I believe that he can heal me and I wait patiently upon his promise that if we ask and believe, it will be given to us. I continue to pray for wisdom for myself and the doctors for the right steps and treatment.

Julio's dad has been able to visit a lot more and the kids have loved having their "Grand-pop" around. They especially love when he treats and takes them to friendly's to get ice cream! Here is a picture of Tyler in his big truck!

This has been a tough year and I will be glad for Spring break as well as for summer. I continue to enjoy the family God has blessed me with. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful husband and two beautiful children who light up my world.

Happy New Year- 2012

We had a Great Christmas and Winter Break. It was so relaxing and we got to spend lots of quality family time. The best part was that we got to spend time as a family, but also with each of the kids.
We started out the vacation by taking Gabby to see Disney on Ice on Christmas Eve. It was so awesome and she loved it! I'm sure it will be something she remembers for a long time and it was nice for Julio and I to spend time with just her.


We spent two days celebrating Christmas. Even though the kids had a few presents, we let them take their time and enjoy each present. Tyler's favorite present was his "Alphie Robot" He tells me all the time..."He woves his whoabot"


Gabby's favorite present was more polly pockets to add to her collection and a set of Domino's that pop-pop gave her. We had lots of fun playing as a family.







On Christmas, the kids were in a Christmas pageant. Gabby was Mary and Tyler was a Shepherd. They were adorable. While they were singing
"Away in a Manger" Tyler took the microphone and decided he wanted to do a solo.


Over vacation, I got to take Gabby to see the new Chipmunk movie and at to Friendly's for lunch. Today I'm taking Tyler to a play place that is just for kids his age.

Although we really enjoy spending time with both the kids, Julio and I even got to go away one day and have a little fun together! It was a nice ending to the year and a perfect beginning to the new year!


As vacation winds down, we focus on getting back to our routines as well as working hard on our goals for the new year.

I am currently on two medicines that are definitely helping fight the depression and prevent the severe mood swings I was having. Although the medicines are working, I am currently exploring different times to take them, where they will give me the most energy.

I am starting back to Jazzercise today and working out three times a week after a short break and looking forward to losing the rest of the weight I need to. I have my birthday and my anniversary with Julio to look forward to in the next couple of months. I am excited to see what 2012 has in store for me and my family!

New Joy for the Holiday Season!

I feel like a whole different person since the last post. The last couple of months have been really challenging. I have tried everything I could to help myself and trust in God for strength. Finally, I had to be open to the option of trying to find a medicine that would help me. I found a close nurse practitioner that has a speciality in mental illness. Although I was skeptical at first, it seems we have found an answer that has improved my quality of life. I am taking one medicine that focuses on the serotonin and one that focuses on the dopamines I do not remember the last time I have been able to enjoy the little things. I am much calmer, not having mood swings and just being able to handle life better. I'm very thankful for all the people that have been praying for me and so grateful to God for answered prayers. Although we are not at the end of this journey, I'm glad to be on the right track!

I am looking forward to Christmas this year. We have already had a lot of fun decorating the Christmas tree together, watching the nutcracker, and decorating a gingerbread house. The kids have had a blast finding our elf on the shelf every morning. I am excited to have a small vacation from school and the opportunities to spend time with the kids, and do special things with each of them individually. Planning on taking Gabby to see Disney on Ice and to the movies to see the new chipmunk movie. I'm also excited to have a day to do something with Tyler as well. It's going to be a great holiday season!

Dead Honesty

Since I had started medication, the depression has not gotten better, but is getting worse. Seems at the end of last year when I had improved somewhat or even last month when I was optimistic about medication working, I had renewed hope that I was going to defeat this. Even though we are only on the first medication, I have lost a sense of hope. I have begun to feel a sense of shame and guilt about my thoughts and the way I'm feeling. People who have not experienced this do not understand how someone could think or feel this way. They even get angry because they see things so differently and think I don't have a "reason" to feel the way I do...and I guess I don't, but doesn't change the fact that I do. It's almost like there is a barrier that is keeping me from seeing or thinking the way they do. I know what I should feel like or think but I don't. I feel like a really bad person for feeling this way. I have so much guilt that Julio and the kids deserve such a better and happier life. A better mother and wife than I am...at least right now.

I am going to be completely honest about how I'm feeling and my thoughts. It's not about why I feel this way or whether it's right or wrong...the reality is I do.

I know there are a lot of people that have worst situations or going through much worse stuff and realistic, I have no reason to feel sad. If didn't have my husband or kids I wouldn't want to live. They are the reasons I keep going, even though I wish I could be more for them. They deserve the best and deserve so much more. I hate that life right now is just getting through each day. I feel at times I do feel a little better if Gabby is doing well, if I'm losing weight or if we aren't behind on the bills. Times when those things are not happening, I'm feeling the worst. I've lost interest and joy in everything. Every now and then the kids do something that makes me smile, but other than that, the only thing I find the least little bit of joy in is food. I'm not even in the mood for Christmas this year. Hard to get excited when there isn't any money to have a good Christmas even though Julio and I both work hard. The best time is when I AM able to sleep...when my mind is not thinking and I don't have to deal with the inner torture and prison I live in.

I can only hope that I will find a way out of this and that I will have the strength to make it to another day.

Update! Oct-Nov

Been a busy past couple of months. Everyone is off to a great first half of the school year. We have had some bumps here and there, but for the moment it seems we have gotten over them.




Halloween is one of our favorite holidays. This year Gabby was a Renaissance princess and Tyler was Rio. We made our annual trip to the Fantasy Trail to see all the storybook characters and decorated pumpkins. This year Gabby decorated hers with gems and Tyler made a pirate pumpkin.


Can't believe Tyler is 2 1/2! He is doing well and enjoying preschool. He brings so much joy into our lives by his expressions, words, and laughter. He has reached the stage of wanting to do everything himself and trying to exert his power. :) We are going to start potty training soon and can't wait to see what the months will bring.






Gabby also turned 8 this month. This has really been a good year for her so far. I can really see her maturity kicking in and she seems to be doing much better in school. I think having a much more positive and encouraging teacher made the difference. Her teacher says she is nice to her classmates, polite and uses her manners, and every day is a good day! I couldn't be more proud! She is a year ahead and reading and writing but struggling a tad in subtraction which we are going to start working with her at home.



She had a great Birthday. She had her first "friends" party this year. She

had a jazzericse party where she got to pick all the games and songs that were her favorites. She had a blast!









She continues to be involved in jazzercise and was in the Victorian Stroll Parade in Middletown this month. Her group won first place! She did such a great job and watching her brought tears to my eyes seeing how much she was enjoying herself and joy on her face!



I was having a lot of trouble the past couple of months with the depression. I have been with my counselor for over a year and I absolutely love her and respect her opinions and guidance. I have tried for a year to manage this without any medications. I found the past two months, I am just not able to do it, that this was out of my control. I was going back and forth between being happy to depressed at least once a week. I am still fighting to find an answer that will allow me to live a much better quality of life and find the joy in life I know God intended for me and make sure I never hit bottom like I have done twice in the past 15 years. I never want to experience or go through that again. She referred me to a dr who specializes more in this area to look into trying to find a medicine that would help me. From her first evaluation she thought that the medicines I had been on before only focused on the serotonin and not the dopamines. She thinks maybe that is the reason they have not been successful in the past. She started me on a medicine that is a start and time will tell if this is one of the ones I will be successful on. The first week I had a lot of side effects since my body is getting used to it, but after changing the time of the dose, I have already noticed and feel such a difference. I know this is another journey that I have to take and it will be difficult and trying at times, but it helps to know I have professionals that are knowledgeable and who I trust this time around. I want to break free from the bondage of this illness for myself and for my family.