New Joy for the Holiday Season!

I feel like a whole different person since the last post. The last couple of months have been really challenging. I have tried everything I could to help myself and trust in God for strength. Finally, I had to be open to the option of trying to find a medicine that would help me. I found a close nurse practitioner that has a speciality in mental illness. Although I was skeptical at first, it seems we have found an answer that has improved my quality of life. I am taking one medicine that focuses on the serotonin and one that focuses on the dopamines I do not remember the last time I have been able to enjoy the little things. I am much calmer, not having mood swings and just being able to handle life better. I'm very thankful for all the people that have been praying for me and so grateful to God for answered prayers. Although we are not at the end of this journey, I'm glad to be on the right track!

I am looking forward to Christmas this year. We have already had a lot of fun decorating the Christmas tree together, watching the nutcracker, and decorating a gingerbread house. The kids have had a blast finding our elf on the shelf every morning. I am excited to have a small vacation from school and the opportunities to spend time with the kids, and do special things with each of them individually. Planning on taking Gabby to see Disney on Ice and to the movies to see the new chipmunk movie. I'm also excited to have a day to do something with Tyler as well. It's going to be a great holiday season!

Dead Honesty

Since I had started medication, the depression has not gotten better, but is getting worse. Seems at the end of last year when I had improved somewhat or even last month when I was optimistic about medication working, I had renewed hope that I was going to defeat this. Even though we are only on the first medication, I have lost a sense of hope. I have begun to feel a sense of shame and guilt about my thoughts and the way I'm feeling. People who have not experienced this do not understand how someone could think or feel this way. They even get angry because they see things so differently and think I don't have a "reason" to feel the way I do...and I guess I don't, but doesn't change the fact that I do. It's almost like there is a barrier that is keeping me from seeing or thinking the way they do. I know what I should feel like or think but I don't. I feel like a really bad person for feeling this way. I have so much guilt that Julio and the kids deserve such a better and happier life. A better mother and wife than I am...at least right now.

I am going to be completely honest about how I'm feeling and my thoughts. It's not about why I feel this way or whether it's right or wrong...the reality is I do.

I know there are a lot of people that have worst situations or going through much worse stuff and realistic, I have no reason to feel sad. If didn't have my husband or kids I wouldn't want to live. They are the reasons I keep going, even though I wish I could be more for them. They deserve the best and deserve so much more. I hate that life right now is just getting through each day. I feel at times I do feel a little better if Gabby is doing well, if I'm losing weight or if we aren't behind on the bills. Times when those things are not happening, I'm feeling the worst. I've lost interest and joy in everything. Every now and then the kids do something that makes me smile, but other than that, the only thing I find the least little bit of joy in is food. I'm not even in the mood for Christmas this year. Hard to get excited when there isn't any money to have a good Christmas even though Julio and I both work hard. The best time is when I AM able to sleep...when my mind is not thinking and I don't have to deal with the inner torture and prison I live in.

I can only hope that I will find a way out of this and that I will have the strength to make it to another day.

Update! Oct-Nov

Been a busy past couple of months. Everyone is off to a great first half of the school year. We have had some bumps here and there, but for the moment it seems we have gotten over them.




Halloween is one of our favorite holidays. This year Gabby was a Renaissance princess and Tyler was Rio. We made our annual trip to the Fantasy Trail to see all the storybook characters and decorated pumpkins. This year Gabby decorated hers with gems and Tyler made a pirate pumpkin.


Can't believe Tyler is 2 1/2! He is doing well and enjoying preschool. He brings so much joy into our lives by his expressions, words, and laughter. He has reached the stage of wanting to do everything himself and trying to exert his power. :) We are going to start potty training soon and can't wait to see what the months will bring.






Gabby also turned 8 this month. This has really been a good year for her so far. I can really see her maturity kicking in and she seems to be doing much better in school. I think having a much more positive and encouraging teacher made the difference. Her teacher says she is nice to her classmates, polite and uses her manners, and every day is a good day! I couldn't be more proud! She is a year ahead and reading and writing but struggling a tad in subtraction which we are going to start working with her at home.



She had a great Birthday. She had her first "friends" party this year. She

had a jazzericse party where she got to pick all the games and songs that were her favorites. She had a blast!









She continues to be involved in jazzercise and was in the Victorian Stroll Parade in Middletown this month. Her group won first place! She did such a great job and watching her brought tears to my eyes seeing how much she was enjoying herself and joy on her face!



I was having a lot of trouble the past couple of months with the depression. I have been with my counselor for over a year and I absolutely love her and respect her opinions and guidance. I have tried for a year to manage this without any medications. I found the past two months, I am just not able to do it, that this was out of my control. I was going back and forth between being happy to depressed at least once a week. I am still fighting to find an answer that will allow me to live a much better quality of life and find the joy in life I know God intended for me and make sure I never hit bottom like I have done twice in the past 15 years. I never want to experience or go through that again. She referred me to a dr who specializes more in this area to look into trying to find a medicine that would help me. From her first evaluation she thought that the medicines I had been on before only focused on the serotonin and not the dopamines. She thinks maybe that is the reason they have not been successful in the past. She started me on a medicine that is a start and time will tell if this is one of the ones I will be successful on. The first week I had a lot of side effects since my body is getting used to it, but after changing the time of the dose, I have already noticed and feel such a difference. I know this is another journey that I have to take and it will be difficult and trying at times, but it helps to know I have professionals that are knowledgeable and who I trust this time around. I want to break free from the bondage of this illness for myself and for my family.

Off to a great year!

We are off to a wonderful school year. I seem to finally be setting in my routine and Gabby seems to like her "guy" teacher this year. She has gotten all good reports and I'm very impressed with the work she is bringing home. You can really tell, she is doing her best, and that makes me so proud. I hope she continues to have a wonderful year and have fun learning!


This picture is of her first day. Decked out in Hello Kitty and an awesome dog lunch bag. I couldn't believe I still cried when I dropped her off again this year. It's hard seeing your children grow up and become so independant!



We ended up getting to take a final trip to the beach Labor day weekend. The kids had a blast! They loved playing in the water and the sand!












Gabby's Lion King sandcastle we made together!







Gabby ended up losing her first tooth! She looks so cute and was so excited when the tooth fairy left her a dollar!



I"m so happy that we are off to good start. I hope this will be our best year yet for our family!

Back to School!

Well it has been an eventful couple of weeks! I started my last week before work going on a fishing trip with my dad. I had never really been fishing, especially out in the bay. We went on a 3 hour trip on a charter boat. Had fun, despite threatening weather and even caught two fish.







My first fish I caught!










The next day I took the kids to the Plumpton park zoo. Such a great
place for the kids to get up close to the animals.





On Thursday, I went on an adventure by myself to Lancaster to the Kettle Kitchen Village. It was such a relaxing day. Enjoyed the scenic ride on the back roads and walking around leisurely shopping. I brought back some delicious home-made goodies from the amish like variety of cheese, chocolate covered oreo, and different kinds of jellys and jams. Even got to taste Shoo fly pie for the first time!

Thursday, we took the kids to our annual trip to Dutch Wonderland. We had a blast. It was great to see the kids have fun and we enjoyed spending the day with them!








The giant slide was a favorite for both of them!











Tyler was very serious about trying to figure out how this ride worked...











Here is his smile before the ride started...needless to say the smile didn't last long...didn't like the way the frogs jumped at all!

Last Saturday, Gabby and I participated in the Middletown Peach Festival with our jazzercise group. We did the parade and two performance demonstrations. We had a blast!

I went back to work last week. Even though I miss my freedom and hate the stress, it was nice to get back on my routine and our schedules.

Half way through the week, we ended up having a small earth quake! Very scary. I felt it, but was glad that it didn't effect Julio up high at work and the kids didn't really feel it.

Couple days later, we are now dealing with Hurricane Irene. Haven't had a hurricane since 1999 and this one was scary with the tornado warnings. At the moment, we are now dealing with the after effects and a lot of wind. We made out well with no flooding or power outage, but I know a lot of the state was not so lucky.

As a result of being stuck in the house for couple of days, we got to spend some quality time with the kids. We had bought a new lego set, which both kids had a blast with.




Gabby showing off her car she built!






Tyler looking checking out the hurricane.

This week has been very eventful and a lot of firsts for us. I am thankful for the downtime, and chance to get ready for the school year ahead for us.

August!

I really can't believe the summer is almost over! It has been nice to have time to myself this summer and also have some days for just the kids and I. We have been able to do some special things this past month or so.

One of our favorite things to do every summer is to go to the Delaware State Fair. The kids love to look at and interact with the animals. It's interesting each year to see how the kids respond differently as they grow. One of our favorites is to see the baby chicks. Tyler loves to pet them, but still does not want them touching his hands!




This was the first year that Gabby was brave enough to hold one all by herself! I was very proud and knew pop-pop would be too and Grand-dad was smiling down from Heaven!






They also enjoyed going on the rides of course.



Throughout the summer we have been able to go to some of the playgrounds around the area. They kids love to go out on the dock and look at the fish and water.









One of our favorites was a new playground called the Can-Do playground. It was nice to spend one of the cooler days of summer there as well as have a picnic lunch!











I can always catch one of them being them silly selves.










This past Friday Gabby and I had a mother/daughter day. I took her to the White Water Mountain in Rehobeth. We had a blast and it was a very relaxing day!

This was my favorite picture of the day!





I have one more week left before I go back to work. We have planned a trip to the zoo, our traditional trip to Dutch Wonderland and a trip to the beach for just Julio and I. It will be nice to end summer with a bang!

July!

The beginning of July was a mixture of smiles and tears. This past Thursday we remembered my mom who would have been 71. Can't believe it's been 14 years since her passing. Seems like it was just yesterday. It's been interesting that as I continue to go through seasons in my life as an adult now, it effects me differently. I still miss her so much, but am happy that she isn't dealing with pain and obstacles.

We were also sadden to hear that my grandmother passed away Thursday as well. Although we will miss her spark, she lived such a happy life. She was 98 and still living in her own apartment. We were lucky enough to visit her last week which was such a great visit. I was able to support my dad and help him take care of things yesterday. It was so nice to spend that time with him, knowing I could help him and that he was allowing me to do just that. It was wonderful to just be able to talk to him like we haven't done in so long which is what I'm sure Grand-mom would have wanted. It kind of gave me peace that she is with my mom in heaven now and I hope she is telling her all about Gabby and Tyler.




Monday was Fourth of July. It was nice to spend it as a family! We spent the day relaxing and then went down to Dover for the parade, a picnic supper, and the fireworks. Always turns out to be one of my favorite days!










Gabby and Tyler in their Red White and Blue!










Gabby at the parade




















On Thursday, we decided since it was such a rough week, we all needed to get away for a family trip. So we packed up and headed to the beach. It was a wonderful day. The kids loved the water, great pizza and ice cream and the traditional rides.

Gabby favorite was the bumper cars with daddy!






I love Tyler's face in this picture!










It was so nice to get away for the day. I'm looking forward to many more trips down to the beach!